Can Gossip Be A Force for Good? Yes — Here’s How

Gossip is nothing new. There’s evidence of gossiping in all human cultures, from ancient Mesopotamia to the present day. And no less an authority than Shakespeare cautions, in Much Ado About ­Nothing, “how much an ill word may ­empoison liking.”

Despite its dubious reputation, gossip can be tough to avoid in our own lives — especially if we’re unaware of what we’re doing. Michele Gelfand, PhD, a psychologist and professor of organizational behavior at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, offers this description: “Gossiping, broadly defined, is when people exchange personal information about absent third parties.”

It sounds neutral enough, and yet most of us have encountered damaging gossip — harmful anecdotes, ­personal secrets, or rumors that smear someone’s reputation.

Gelfand’s research offers ­another perspective. She suggests gossip also has the potential to promote colla­boration and build reputations through positive communications about third-­party behavior. That is to say, it can be a force for social good.

“Gossip serves a critical social-control function in groups to help foster cooperation,” she explains. “The gist is this: Gossip serves to disseminate information about other people’s reputations as cooperative or selfish. … As such, it helps people identify the bad apples out there in order to avoid them.”

Naturally, people grow concerned about their own reputations too. In this way, gossip can serve as a kind of social warning. “No one wants to be the subject of future gossip,” ­Gelfand adds. “Like strong social norms that help control bad behavior, so does gossip.”

Whether for good or ill, the impulse to gab about absent third parties may well be one of our defining characteristics as a species. “We gossip not only because we can but because we have to,” writes journalist Kelsey McKinney in You Didn’t Hear This From Me: (Mostly) True Notes on Gossip. “Without the self-awareness gained by gossiping, we would become husks of ourselves, so uninterested in the world around us that we become separated from it entirely.”

“Without the self-awareness gained by gossiping, we would become husks of ourselves, so uninterested in the world around us that we become separated from it entirely.”

Gossip has the potential to knit together our social fabric rather than tear it apart. It can strengthen relationships and build trust. It can even help us identify and positively frame shared problems — if we’re willing to engage responsibly. Try the following advice for keeping chatter constructive.

1) Stick to the facts. Much of gossip’s harmful potential comes from spreading falsehoods, innuendo, and unkind interpretations of events and motivations. “We should be aware that the positive function of gossip is predicated on the idea that the information being disseminated is accurate,” says Gelfand. “If gossip is about spreading misinformation, that is a big problem.” (Having trouble separating fact from fiction? Get some advice for spotting misinformation at “7 Ways to Spot Misinformation on Social Media.”)

2) Understand stereotypes about ­gossip. There’s a common assumption that women are more prolific gossips than men, but this is more a matter of gender-role perception than fact. Indeed, a 2019 study that sampled daily sound files from conversations across a wide demographic suggests that men and women participate in positive and negative gossip at relatively similar rates, with women sharing more “neutral” gossip than men.

Still, gossip is often considered “women’s idle chitchat,” and it’s also associated with shame and immorality. It’s good to be mindful of those ­stereotypes when questioning whether an instance of gossip is actually suspect — or whether it’s simply a form of connection and shared experience.

3) Know thyself. Many spiritual traditions have ethical standards for how to talk about others. In Buddhism, for instance, Right Speech — part of the Noble Eightfold Path — directs those seeking enlightenment to abstain from divisive or harsh words. (See “The Four Agreements” for life-changing insights from Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic book of Toltec wisdom.)

A good rule of thumb when talking about someone else is to pause, take a moment, and ask:

Do I need to say this about this person, and would I stand by saying it a day, a month, or a year from today? What are my motivations for sharing this information?

Responsibly sharing information can promote solidarity in a community, but knowing when not to gossip is an equally important skill. We can ­always choose to keep our knowledge to ourselves — even if just for now. (Not sure whether you should hold a secret for someone else? See our advice at “The Stress of Keeping a Secret — and How to Cope.”)

4) Stay positive. “When talking about other people, I think benevolence is the most important thing,” says Erin Vogel, PhD, a social psychologist at the University of Oklahoma.

Although even the most well-­intentioned among us may occasionally talk about others in a way that lacks compassion and grace, we can resist that tendency by focusing on what we admire in others. Share a story about someone going above and beyond to help a colleague, an example of exceptional parenting, or an anecdote about resilience or perseverance.

We can also frame potential criticisms as issues the community might be able to solve together. For ­example, you might take an opportunity to dispense information about how a ­mutual friend needs support.

5) Keep the circle small. Ultimately, we’re all social creatures who are going to talk about one another to one another. This takes on an added dimension on social media, where shared posts can put sensitive information into the public square, inviting interaction and judgment.

“Browsing social media is like listening to gossip,” Vogel says. “There are things people put out themselves and also things people say about others.”

Technology isn’t always our friend here. Social media chats and text chains can tempt us to say things to big groups that we might otherwise keep to an immediate circle. “If you have good intentions and, for instance, want to help this third person, you might not want to broadcast their ­issues to everyone,” says Vogel. (Seeking more advice about online etiquette? Check out “When Not to Share on Social Media.”)

6) Be aware of the consequences. Gelfand’s research group described the significant reputational effects of gossip in communities of many sizes, concluding that “gossipers proliferate as well as sustain the reputation system.” In other words, people decide who to trust, befriend, and support based on what they hear from others.

Talking about someone, then, is a bigger responsibility than we might realize, she says. “It’s all about promoting information about reputations and whether people are likely to be trustworthy.”

McKinney, too, suggests that iden­tifying the trustworthy people in a community is one of gossip’s principal goals. “Whisper networks, prosocial gossip, and gossiping in general about people directly connected to us enable us to create a web of information that can keep us safe,” she writes. “Gossip can’t always save us from harm, but it can teach us whom to trust.”

7) Be real. Truthfulness and authenticity are our greatest guideposts when we’re talking about others. Keeping these values at the fore can help us promote the greater good over entertainment or personal gain.

“The best direction is developing that strong sense of authenticity,” Vogel advises, “and then using it in service to other people’s well-being.”