Gossip is nothing new. There’s evidence of gossiping in all human cultures, from ancient Mesopotamia to the present day. And no less an authority than Shakespeare cautions, in Much Ado About ­Nothing, “how much an ill word may ­empoison liking.”

Despite its dubious reputation, gossip can be tough to avoid in our own lives — especially if we’re unaware of what we’re doing. Michele Gelfand, PhD, a psychologist and professor of organizational behavior at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, offers this description: “Gossiping, broadly defined, is when people exchange personal information about absent third parties.”

It sounds neutral enough, and yet most of us have encountered damaging gossip — harmful anecdotes, ­personal secrets, or rumors that smear someone’s reputation.

Gelfand’s research offers ­another perspective. She suggests gossip also has the potential to promote colla­boration and build reputations through positive communications about third-­party behavior. That is to say, it can be a force for social good.

“Gossip serves a critical social-control function in groups to help foster cooperation,” she explains. “The gist is this: Gossip serves to disseminate information about other people’s reputations as cooperative or selfish. … As such, it helps people identify the bad apples out there in order to avoid them.”

Naturally, people grow concerned about their own reputations too. In this way, gossip can serve as a kind of social warning. “No one wants to be the subject of future gossip,” ­Gelfand adds. “Like strong social norms that help control bad behavior, so does gossip.”

Whether for good or ill, the impulse to gab about absent third parties may well be one of our defining characteristics as a species. “We gossip not only because we can but because we have to,” writes journalist Kelsey McKinney in You Didn’t Hear This From Me: (Mostly) True Notes on Gossip. “Without the self-awareness gained by gossiping, we would become husks of ourselves, so uninterested in the world around us that we become separated from it entirely.”

“Without the self-awareness gained by gossiping, we would become husks of ourselves, so uninterested in the world around us that we become separated from it entirely.”

Gossip has the potential to knit together our social fabric rather than tear it apart. It can strengthen relationships and build trust. It can even help us identify and positively frame shared problems — if we’re willing to engage responsibly. Try the following advice for keeping chatter constructive.

 

1) Stick to the facts. Much of gossip’s harmful potential comes from spreading falsehoods, innuendo, and unkind interpretations of events and motivations. “We should be aware that the positive function of gossip is predicated on the idea that the information being disseminated is accurate,” says Gelfand. “If gossip is about spreading misinformation, that is a big problem.” (Having trouble separating fact from fiction? Get some advice for spotting misinformation at “7 Ways to Spot Misinformation on Social Media.”)

 

2) Understand stereotypes about ­gossip. There’s a common assumption that women are more prolific gossips than men, but this is more a matter of gender-role perception than fact. Indeed, a 2019 study that sampled daily sound files from conversations across a wide demographic suggests that men and women participate in positive and negative gossip at relatively similar rates, with women sharing more “neutral” gossip than men.

Still, gossip is often considered “women’s idle chitchat,” and it’s also associated with shame and immorality. It’s good to be mindful of those ­stereotypes when questioning whether an instance of gossip is actually suspect — or whether it’s simply a form of connection and shared experience.

 

3) Know thyself. Many spiritual traditions have ethical standards for how to talk about others. In Buddhism, for instance, Right Speech — part of the Noble Eightfold Path — directs those seeking enlightenment to abstain from divisive or harsh words. (See “The Four Agreements” for life-changing insights from Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic book of Toltec wisdom.)

A good rule of thumb when talking about someone else is to pause, take a moment, and ask:

Do I need to say this about this person, and would I stand by saying it a day, a month, or a year from today? What are my motivations for sharing this information?

Responsibly sharing information can promote solidarity in a community, but knowing when not to gossip is an equally important skill. We can ­always choose to keep our knowledge to ourselves — even if just for now. (Not sure whether you should hold a secret for someone else? See our advice at “The Stress of Keeping a Secret — and How to Cope.”)

 

4) Stay positive. “When talking about other people, I think benevolence is the most important thing,” says Erin Vogel, PhD, a social psychologist at the University of Oklahoma.

Although even the most well-­intentioned among us may occasionally talk about others in a way that lacks compassion and grace, we can resist that tendency by focusing on what we admire in others. Share a story about someone going above and beyond to help a colleague, an example of exceptional parenting, or an anecdote about resilience or perseverance.

We can also frame potential criticisms as issues the community might be able to solve together. For ­example, you might take an opportunity to dispense information about how a ­mutual friend needs support.

 

5) Keep the circle small. Ultimately, we’re all social creatures who are going to talk about one another to one another. This takes on an added dimension on social media, where shared posts can put sensitive information into the public square, inviting interaction and judgment.

“Browsing social media is like listening to gossip,” Vogel says. “There are things people put out themselves and also things people say about others.”

Technology isn’t always our friend here. Social media chats and text chains can tempt us to say things to big groups that we might otherwise keep to an immediate circle. “If you have good intentions and, for instance, want to help this third person, you might not want to broadcast their ­issues to everyone,” says Vogel. (Seeking more advice about online etiquette? Check out “When Not to Share on Social Media.”)

 

6) Be aware of the consequences. Gelfand’s research group described the significant reputational effects of gossip in communities of many sizes, concluding that “gossipers proliferate as well as sustain the reputation system.” In other words, people decide who to trust, befriend, and support based on what they hear from others.

Talking about someone, then, is a bigger responsibility than we might realize, she says. “It’s all about promoting information about reputations and whether people are likely to be trustworthy.”

McKinney, too, suggests that iden­tifying the trustworthy people in a community is one of gossip’s principal goals. “Whisper networks, prosocial gossip, and gossiping in general about people directly connected to us enable us to create a web of information that can keep us safe,” she writes. “Gossip can’t always save us from harm, but it can teach us whom to trust.”

 

7) Be real. Truthfulness and authenticity are our greatest guideposts when we’re talking about others. Keeping these values at the fore can help us promote the greater good over entertainment or personal gain.

“The best direction is developing that strong sense of authenticity,” Vogel advises, “and then using it in service to other people’s well-being.”

 

1. You don’t seem to be a priority. The therapy hour should feel sacred. If your therapist is chronically late, seems distracted during sessions, or doesn’t recall important details you’ve shared, consider looking elsewhere.
2. You’re not sure what you’re working on. An effective therapist will explain their approach, work with you to develop goals, and regularly check in to ensure you’re meeting them. Frequently wondering what you’re doing and why — or not getting clarity when you ask — can provide grounds for taking a step back from the relationship.
3. You feel more like a diagnosis than a human. Formal diagnoses can be helpful, especially if they lead to effective treatments. But you are a human, not a collection of symptoms, so think twice if your therapist seems more focused on treating a disorder than understanding a real person.
4. You feel minimized, judged, or belittled. These are obvious red flags: Therapy must feel safe to be effective. Still, therapists are human. They make mistakes, miss cues, and put their foot in their mouth from time to time … which is why the final sign is so important.
5. You don’t feel comfortable offering feedback. You can and should be able to bring up missteps or misunderstandings without fear of getting a defensive reaction. Any therapist who isn’t willing to hear your concerns is not the right therapist for you.

Vacation! We all appreciate a restful break from the stresses and routines of everyday life. And because vacation time is hard to come by, we naturally want our time off to count: We want to ­return feeling relaxed, restored, and fortified with fond new memories.

One way we might try to maximize our time off is by taking a trip with friends or family. Yet vacationing with others — even our favorite people — is rife with opportunities for conflict. A dream vacation can quickly sour if the group lacks consensus on priorities and budgets, personalities clash, or individual needs remain uncommunicated.

Fortunately, a little planning can go a long way. Clinical psychologist Charlotte Russell, PhD, founder of The Travel Psychologist blog, offers some eminently practical suggestions for dealing with opposing needs during a group vacation — so everyone can get the renewal they’re seeking.

Stress Source

The group’s expectations do not align. There’s a wide spectrum of vacation styles, and we might be surprised by the likes and dislikes of our friends and family. “It’s easy to assume that people we know have the same preferences we do, but that can be far from the truth,” Russell says.

Perhaps one member of your group wants to sample every local adventure, while another prefers to spend all their time reading a book by the pool.

Members of the group have different assumptions about what traveling together means. Russell has observed that there’s a common expectation among travelers that “if you’re vacationing together, you’ll be spending all your time together, doing everything ­together. Yet many people will find that overwhelming.”

There is a generation gap. ­Younger and older vacationers likely differ in their interests, energy levels, physical abilities, and goals for their vacation. It can be tricky to find common ground between a 5-year-old and an 85-year-old.

The budget is a touchy subject. “This is a common source of tension,” Russell says. Travel budgets reflect not only various levels of financial freedom but also contrasting ­attitudes about spending.

Generational differences can impact attitudes about spending, she adds. Some grandparents may have more frugal habits than their kids and grandkids, for example. On the other hand, many younger people have less disposable income than their elders.

Personality differences become more pronounced. Vacationing with family or friends can be “a little more intense than seeing them in day-to-day life,” Russell notes.

Travel and lodging challenges — such as delayed flights, reservation errors, and unexpected weather conditions — can highlight the different ways people operate under stress and potentially strain the group dynamic. You’re also spending a lot more uninterrupted time together than usual, and overexposure can lead to friction.

People’s needs and desires may change midvacation. Maybe the quiet time an introvert initially enjoyed creates some loneliness halfway through the stay, and he’d like to socialize more. Or maybe the enthusiastic history-and-culture buff realizes that she’d like to spend more time on the water.

Conflict may come as a surprise. Some families or friend groups likely haven’t faced the kinds of conflicts that occur on vacation, and they’re completely unprepared for the problems that arise in a new context.

This article originally appeared as “Let’s Take a Trip” in the July/August 2025 issue of Experience Life.

Secrets are powerful. You might feel energized while keeping news of an upcoming proposal or promotion under wraps. But if you’re holding on to a heavy secret about yourself — a distressing diagnosis, a violation of someone’s trust, a legal issue — it can lead to rumination, loneliness, and worry. Revealing your secret to someone else can provide relief as well as build intimacy and trust between you and the person you share it with.

But what if you find yourself in possession of a secret that isn’t yours to reveal? A friend confides in you about a terminal diagnosis and asks you to keep it to yourself. Or you accidentally discover that a friend is having an affair or your sister is keeping financial indiscretions from her partner. In such instances, carrying the secret can become a strain on your well-being, leading you to weigh your discomfort against the damage it might do if you were to share it.

Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, a master certified life coach and president of Phoenix-based Covisioning, has some simple but powerful suggestions for handling such a dilemma.

Stress Source

You feel you’ve been put in a difficult position. You may appreciate the fact that your friend trusts you with their secret, but you may also feel they’ve burdened you with a no-win proposition. Holding the secret makes you anxious; sharing it may damage a relationship you value. It’s possible that divulging the information may have negative ramifications for others’ lives; alternatively, if the secret comes out later, those affected might be upset with you for not telling them the information sooner. All this can generate major stress, Reynolds notes.

You can’t stop ruminating on the secret. It can be hard to stop thinking about the information you’ve learned — along with its potential consequences.

You also may not understand the reasons behind the request to keep silent, and you might find yourself ruminating on that. “The ‘shoulds’ can be a big burden here and hold us back,” says Reynolds. “I’m basically being told that I shouldn’t tell anybody the secret — but why shouldn’t I? What’s the real purpose of my silence?”

If you decide to share the secret, whom should you choose? Should it be someone ­acquainted with the person who told you the secret — someone who will understand the significance of the situation — or an unbiased third party?

You may wonder whether sharing the secret is gossiping. Reynolds points out that there’s a fine line between divulging a secret to relieve stress and doing so to create a closer relationship with the person who’ll receive the information. If you feel the other person doesn’t value you enough, you might think that sharing the secret will increase their view of your worth; it could have the opposite effect if they feel you are ­betraying someone else’s confidence.

You don’t know how you’ll feel after sharing the secret. “You might ask yourself, Am I telling the secret because I just have to tell somebody to feel better?” says Reynolds. But you should also consider whether sharing the information will ­actually lead to relief and, if so, how true and lasting that relief will be.

On the other hand, sharing the secret could lead you to feel guilt over betraying someone’s trust.

You’re not sure how to process your feelings about keeping the secret. If you decide not to tell anyone, how will you work through the rumination or anxiety that may arise?

This article originally appeared as “Just Between Us” in the May/June 2025 issue of Experience Life.

If you have a friend or family member who is showing signs of disordered eating, it’s hard to know how to help. People with anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, or avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder are often in denial and may resist aid.

Eating disorders — which are some of the most dangerous mental illnesses — have become increasingly common, particularly among teenagers and young adults. Yet early detection and treatment can help individuals achieve a full recovery.

If you suspect someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, it’s imperative to raise concerns and offer support without shaming, alienating, or triggering them. That requires tactfulness and close listening, says Pamela Ramos, MD, a psychiatrist specializing in eating disorders who has worked in the field for the past decade. And it requires care to distinguish the person from the disorder.

Stress Source

Our society often praises, and encourages, disordered eating behaviors. Thinness and weight loss are culturally affirmed and even moralized, while overindulgence and gluttony are habitually endorsed as celebratory behaviors.

It’s difficult to know for certain whether someone has an eating disorder — and you’re afraid to approach them about it unless you’re sure it’s a problem. There’s often a level of shame associated with disordered eating, Ramos says. And common warning signs fly under the radar when people hide, minimize, or explain away disordered eating behaviors.

At the same time, unconscious bias is misleading. Although there’s a pervasive stereotype of eating disorders as primarily affecting young, thin, white women, Ramos emphasizes that you can’t tell whether someone has an eating disorder based on appearance alone. Anyone of any age, body type, race, or gender can struggle with one.

Your loved one has become irritable or aggressive when you’ve tried to approach them about your concerns. To the person with an eating disorder, your attempt to address the problem may feel like you’re trying to deprive them of a source of comfort.

“These behaviors serve as a kind of maladaptive coping skill,” Ramos says. “The person who binges doesn’t enjoy binging as such, but when they’re doing it, there is a sense of either numbness from feelings they don’t want to feel, like fear, or there’s a high. The idea that you would take that away from them can be incredibly scary.”

The eating disorder may be a strategy for managing underlying stress, anxiety, or trauma that needs to be addressed and treated. “These disorders are illnesses of comorbidities,” says Ramos. “Many times, it’s not only the eating disorder from which they suffer but an anxiety disorder, a mood disorder, a substance [use] disorder.”

You’re afraid of unintentionally triggering your loved one. You want to find the best timing and approach for talking about their behavior related to food and eating.

You feel frustrated, afraid, and even angry if they resist your help or relapse. It can be hard not to take it personally if a loved one resists your attempts to help them or slips back into old patterns after starting treatment.

This article originally appeared as “Helping Someone With an Eating Disorder” in the March/April 2025 issue of Experience Life.

Let’s start with a statement so obvious that it seems beside the point: Whatever we do in this life, others do too. Whether it’s playing sports, parenting, cooking, sealing a deal — you name it — other people are engaging in the same activity, and some of them are going to show up in our world.

For many people, it’s easy to celebrate the fact that others are engaged in our pursuits — we can feel fellowship with them, learn from them, or take them under our wing as students. We can also compete with them in necessary and healthy ways, developing our skills even further.

For some of us, though, a natural drive to compete and improve can turn toxic. A lively desire to rack up more points than our opponent can flip the fun of a game into a fear of being bested and a compulsive desire to win at any cost. The need to be better than can invade aspects of our lives where it doesn’t belong.

And the drive can turn on us, too, creating a competition with ourselves that we can never win.

The result? Frustration, anxiety, flagging self-worth, even damaged relationships.

Brie Vortherms, MA, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist as well as the director of Life Time Mind, an internal coaching program at Life Time, offers some clarifying insights about why we compete, why competitiveness can turn compulsive, and what we can do to detoxify the competitive urge when it gets out of hand.

Hint: It’s about self-acceptance.

Stress Source

Our culture sees competitiveness as inherently good and idolizes winners. “Most of our society is focused on performance-based esteem, which means I matter more when I win, in school, athletically, in business, wherever,” says Vortherms. “The personal corollary is I only like myself when I’m doing as well as or better than somebody else.”

You see your competitive drive as an advantage. Given the general cultural attitude, hypercompetitiveness may seem like a competitive advantage. Through this lens, “healthy competition” sounds like just another name for not quite giving something your all. But, Vortherms notes, “if it’s only about winning, you’re setting yourself up for a really narrow way to feel good.”

You don’t realize that your competitiveness has turned toxic. Perhaps the line between healthy competition and toxic competitiveness has blurred, and you can no longer tell whether your mindset has slipped toward the toxic end of the spectrum.

You compete with everybody about everything. You’ve always loved to win at tennis and golf — and now you find yourself compelled to bring the most delicious and elaborate dish to a potluck or to buy a fancier car than your neighbor’s, even if doing so is beyond your abilities or stretches your budget to the breaking point. “The toxic competitive urge can drive people to be immoderate in the way they live their lives — to prove they matter,” Vortherms says.

You overcompete with yourself too. Striving for personal bests is healthy as long as it doesn’t turn into a grim struggle and an unwillingness to accept your own limits.

You take on more than you can handle. Once overcompetitiveness with yourself takes root in your mind, it’s easy to overcommit and overwork, which can put a strain on you, your resources, and your relationships.

You resist setting goals because you’re afraid that you’ll fall short. Eventually, toxic self-competitiveness can become paralyzing. “This is perfectionism,” says Vortherms. “If I can’t do it the very best, and if I can’t guarantee that I’m going to be successful, I’m just not going to do it at all. This can send you into a functional freeze and shut you down.” In the end, it can become easier to have no goals at all than to risk not meeting them.

This article originally appeared as “Friendlier Competition” in the January/February 2025 issue of Experience Life.

Holidays usually involve a full deck of gatherings, from intimate dinners to company shindigs. The sheer number of conversations can lead even extreme extroverts to fantasize about a night of Netflix. Still, parties don’t have to be an endless round of weather reports and job-status updates.

At most events, you’ll encounter numerous personality types, and small talk can be challenging or charming. Learn which conversation strategies to embrace with whom, and you might find yourself moving beyond idle chatter and into a conversation you really enjoy.

1. The Narcissist 

Typical talk:

“Oh, you’ve been traveling? Let me tell you all about my last trip . . . and my kids . . . and my job.”

Center-of-the-world types have a knack for turning any conversational topic into a monologue. Then again, we can all fall prey to chattering about ourselves when we’re nervous.

Either way, self-interested conversationalists excel at filling awkward silences, so when you feel tired of talking, they might be the perfect conversational partner.

Best response:

If you’re stuck listening to a narcissist, you can do one of two things: Go with the flow, or engage others in the conversation.

In the first case, slow down and pay close attention. Make it a listening exercise. Ask questions, looking for elements of his or her story that you can take interest in.

In the second case, see if you can entice a third party to join the chat. A three-way conversational flow might prove more rewarding for all involved.

(Try these additional tips when dealing with a narcissistic personality.)

2. The Downer

Typical talk:

“You like the food here? It’s too spicy for me, but then, no one ever adjusts spices correctly. Who makes spicy food for a crowd, anyway? This snow is such a huge drag. It took me forever to get here.”

To the downer, the world is a dreary place, packed with perpetual injustices. And he or she may be inclined to find the sad or dark in whatever you choose to share, too.

Best response:

Express empathy and camaraderie where you can (as in, “Wow, it sounds like you’ve had a rough day!”). But avoid getting drawn into the vortex of doom or allowing the conversation to drift too long in a sea of toxicity.

“It’s very easy to build rapport through negativity and gossip, but resist that temptation,” suggests Daniel Post Senning, spokesperson at The Emily Post Institute, and great-great-grandson of the etiquette doyenne. Offer up some reflections on what you’re enjoying about the party instead.

3. The Connector

Typical talk:

“Sarah, have you met Ian? He was just talking about his sculpture project downtown. Ian, meet Sarah — she loves sculpture. Oh, and there’s Michelle!”

Great connectors create conversational pathways that dispense with small-talk fluff, and their ability to detect common interests is a host’s dream.

Then again, an overeager connector can run you ragged, dragging you from chat to chat before you’ve had a chance to learn much of anything meaningful. They can also make a family gathering feel like a networking event.

Best response: 

Enjoy the fun, but be clear about when you’re ready to settle into one conversation rather than being drawn into the next — and the next.

Express your appreciation, then make a simple request. For example: “You are so kind to offer me all these introductions. I’m completely fascinated by this chat I’m having with Jane just now. Can I come find you when we’re done?”

4. The Interrogator

Typical talk:

“So, how is your relationship going? Are you getting married? Why not? Don’t you want kids?”

Showing interest in others is a hallmark of a good conversationalist, but interrogators take it too far.

With questions both numerous and intrusive, the interrogator puts others on defense. She rarely picks up on body language — like crossed arms, lack of eye contact, pressed lips, and furrowed brows — that signals discomfort.

Best response:

If you’re faced with an interrogator, just smile, take your time responding, and don’t be afraid to decline intrusive questions. It’s fine to say, “Oh, I’m not really discussing that topic right now.” Or, “I’ll have to give that some thought.”

You might also counter with some lighthearted humor: “My goodness, you are curious. Have you gotten all this information out of the other guests?”

5. The Know-It-All

Typical talk: 

“You’ve seen the last season of Downton Abbey, right? Can you believe how closely it parallels what’s happening in the Middle East?”

The know-it-all conducts her conversations assuming that you have seen and read everything she has. This can leave you feeling a little stranded when you have no idea what she’s talking about.

Best response: 

Dismiss any pressure you might feel to know all about something unfamiliar to you, and just start asking questions: “You know, I’ve never seen that show, but everyone seems to love it. What’s it about?” Or, “I’ve spent hardly any time with a newspaper lately. Can you catch me up on that?”

You might end up learning about some current event or cultural Zeitgeist that’s new to you. You may also find it’s a pleasure to just listen to someone else talk while you relax for a while.

6. The Cheerleader

Typical talk:

“I love that scarf! The colors are gorgeous. Wait, you made it? How fantastic — are you an artist?”

Cheerleaders excel at creating warm connections right from the get-go, and that makes them lovely people to talk to, particularly if you’re at a party where you don’t know anyone. But if they go overboard in their enthusiasm, it can be hard to get a genuine conversation off the ground.

Best response: 

Be gracious. Remember that a stream of admiring remarks can signal that someone is nervous. Focus on putting your conversation partner at ease, perhaps returning a compliment or two and then shifting the topic to less self-conscious territory. You’re both likely to enjoy your chat much more when you feel like you’re standing on equal ground.

How to Be a Great Party Guest

Read our interview with Debra Fine, the author of The Fine Art of Small Talk, for more tips on how to be a great party conversationalist.

Experience Life | What’s a good general rule when it comes to party conversation? 

Debra Fine | Some people are natural connectors, but we really all can be that way whether you’re shy or not. Instead of making a conversation all about you, just see conversation as an opportunity instead of a transaction.

Another good tip is to be genuine, instead of a schmoozer. If you’re genuine, people pick up on that. Sometimes, just smiling and being friendly is enough. The way you stand, the way you exude positive energy, can be an opening for someone to strike up a conversation with you.

You might want to give a genuine compliment and follow it up with a detail. Like, “I enjoyed hearing about your trip to Africa because I love how you told that story about the hotel,” or “I like your overalls because that color is great on you.”

EL | Are there people who tend to stand out most at a party?

DF | There are those who exhibit host behavior, and that’s different than a connector. I’m a believer in assuming the burden of other people’s comfort, the way a host would. That might sound negative, but it’s actually a great thing to do.

Let’s say I look across the party at someone who’s been quiet and I go up and make conversation, I make that person feel comfortable by asking about what other parties they’re hitting up this season. I might include other people in the conversation.

That’s showing host behavior, where you make sure everyone is having a good time. Bringing other people into your stories isn’t just polite, it’s a wonderful way to get to know them. And believe me, hosts really appreciate this because then it’s not all up to them.

EL | Should someone prep for a party, in terms of conversation?

DF | Definitely, it pays to be prepared. You should walk in with two or three things to talk about, icebreakers to have in your back pocket. For example, at holiday parties you might ask people about what they enjoy most about this time of year, or any family traditions they enjoy around the holidays. You could ask about what they’re looking forward to in the upcoming year. If they’re talking about business, you could ask how the holidays might be impacting them.

One thing to keep in mind, though. I don’t use the terms “vacation” to strangers, because you don’t know if they’re in a precarious economic situation. Not everyone can afford to go on vacation.

One thing to keep in mind, though. I don’t use the terms “vacation” to strangers, because you don’t know if they’re in a precarious economic situation. Not everyone can afford to go on vacation. So, it’s better to ask what they have planned in the new year, for example, than to ask if they have any vacations coming up. If all else fails, stick with movies or TV as a topic.

Think about what you can talk about, and don’t be lazy by giving one-word answers. If you have a few icebreakers in your pocket, you’re seen as a good sport and often, a great conversationalist.

EL | Besides mentioning vacations, are there other topics to avoid?

DF | I don’t ask people what they do. To me, that seems like something everyone asks and it’s boring. Instead, I say, “What keeps you busy?” and they can answer any way they want. Some people do talk about work, but other people might mention volunteering or their kids, and you can take the conversation in whatever direction they choose. Let the other person lead.

EL | What happens if you do happen to stumble?

DF | Acknowledge it. If it’s an acquaintance, you might say, “Where’s your husband tonight?” in a polite way, and then be told a divorce is in the works. Instead of backpedaling and changing the subject, acknowledge it but don’t dwell on it. The other person will let you know through their body language if they want to talk about it. If they don’t, you can say, “I’m sorry to hear that,” and if they change the subject, take their lead. It’s up to you to assume the burden of comfort because you’ve made the faux pas.

But, in general, I don’t ask questions like the one about the husband. Instead, I tend to start with very open questions like, “Catch me up on what you’ve been up to,” since those tend to be very neutral.

EL | What do you think is the most common mistake people make when it comes to party conversation?

DF | Seeing a conversation as a batting cage instead of a tennis match. People can get lazy, and they just stand and answer questions and won’t assume any responsibility for keeping the conversation going. Instead, be a good sport, and give me something that will connect us. If I ask how you’ve been, don’t just say, “Great,” and wait for the next question. Instead, say, “Great. I’ve been trying to get in the last episodes of House of Cards before the next season. Do you watch that?” or maybe, “Great. I just finished making jam for all my relatives, so I’m feeling like I’m way ahead.” Give people a reason to connect to you.

This article has been updated and originally appeared as “Party Talk” in the December 2014 issue of Experience Life.