Over the past year and a half, I’ve realized a generally acknowledged, yet often unheeded, truth: Planning a wedding is chaos. OK, maybe it isn’t if you’re an actual wedding planner or a master organizer — but for most mere mortals, wedding planning can feel like purgatory.

There’s so much to do and seemingly so little time in which to accomplish it, not to mention that the process is laden with triggers related to body image and dieting, perfectionism, and family dynamics. As an anxious person with a history of disordered eating and people-pleasing tendencies, I have found wedding planning to be the ultimate test of my resilience.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m immeasurably excited to marry my partner of 11-plus years — I’ve anticipated our wedding day since I met him at a local coffee shop when I was 17. All the planning stress will undoubtedly be worth it as soon as I see him at the altar; the challenge is getting there with my mental and physical well-being intact.

Because I’m sure I’m not alone in this struggle, I’ve decided to (responsibly) procrastinate wedding to-dos by compiling an “In and Out” list with expert advice on what’s helping me stay grounded, healthy, and true to myself amid the premarital mayhem.

Out: Crash Diets and Bridal Boot Camps for Weight Loss

A 2019 survey found that 62 percent of brides want to lose weight before they say “I do.” This is hardly a surprise given how much wedding preparation is devoted to the bridal look — as well as the lack of body diversity in bridal ads.

“The diet industry is a
multimillion-dollar machine that profits
off of our self-consciousness
and feelings of never being good enough,
thin enough, pretty enough, muscular enough, et cetera.”

“The diet industry is a multimillion-dollar machine that profits off of our self-consciousness and feelings of never being good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, muscular enough, et cetera,” says Meredith Nisbet-Croes, MS, LMFT, CEDS-C, a family therapist and eating-disorders specialist. “It’s such a common experience that those getting married feel pressure to change or ‘perfect’ the way their body looks.”

This pressure can be particularly troublesome for people who, like me, have a history of disordered eating. Seeking to change my body through dieting measures — particularly extreme ones — can become a slippery slope back into dysfunctional and unhealthy behavior patterns.

In: Holistic Health

As I make my way toward the altar, potentially relapsing is at the top of my mind. To help mitigate my risk, I’m prioritizing lifestyle practices that center my whole-body health and wellness rather than my appearance. These include engaging in intentional cardio and resistance training; eating regular meals and snacks; focusing on whole, minimally processed foods; not denying myself sweets; and adjusting my social media settings to avoid diet-related content.

“‘Sweating for the wedding’ has become really normalized,
but we should all remember that
clothes are meant to fit our bodies,
not the other way around.”

I’m also practicing body neutrality and body acceptance — both of which, says Nisbet-Croes, can help those who’ve struggled with body image, eating disorders, or disordered eating. This can be as simple as choosing a wedding dress that flatters the body I have (a short, athletic build), rather than a smaller version of my body or those of the models I see on my Pinterest feed.

“‘Sweating for the wedding’ has become really normalized, but we should all remember that clothes are meant to fit our bodies, not the other way around,” says Nisbet-Croes. “Your body is your home, and it carries you through this life.”

Out: Self-Neglect

An overwhelming task like planning a wedding can easily become all-consuming. Obsessing over the process may lead dedicated or anxious planners to overlook foundational pillars like sleep, exercise, hobbies, and relationships.

Stressful periods involve an increased demand for resources such as time, money, and energy, says couples therapist Landis Bejar, LMHC, LPC, founder of AisleTalk, a wedding stress, marriage, and relationship counseling practice. “Most forms of self-care require at least one of these resources, too. Often, that increased demand means we have to reprioritize what gets our resources, and taking care of ourselves gets pushed to the bottom.”

In: Boundaries

In one of life’s great ironies, the practices we tend to abandon when overwhelmed are most valuable during stressful times. “Keeping up with your self-care practices is what is going to help sustain you,” Bejar notes. “We won’t be able to give and contribute joyfully to our wedding or the people involved in it if we don’t first take care of ourselves. Eventually, we will get burnt-out, resentful, or paralyzed.”

My own self-care starts with boundaries. While my natural anxiety-driven inclination is to self-isolate and work frenetically to get everything done as quickly as possible, I’m taking a bite-sized approach to wedding planning. My fiancé, Tomy, and I set limits: We try to work through one task at a time, every week or so.

Keeping things focused creates space to fulfill my physical needs (making healthy meals, exercising regularly, resting) as well as my emotional needs (seeing friends, reading, spending quality time with Tomy). I also keep planning separate from these activities — part of self-care is staying present in whatever I’m doing.

Out: Negativity Spiral

Humans are hardwired to look for the negative in our environment; it’s an evolutionary advantage that helped our ancestors avoid threats and harm. Yet a negativity bias can become a self-reinforcing cycle.

“When we’re stressed — and who isn’t when planning a wedding? — that negative tilt gets exaggerated many times over,” says integrative psychiatrist Henry Emmons, MD, author of The Chemistry of Calm. “That means being more vigilant, looking for danger, narrowing our view to see what’s wrong or what might go wrong. Unchecked, it can take over our conscious mind.”

There are so many wedding choices to make and elements to fit together that something is bound to wind up sideways. Fixating on the gaps (whether real or imagined) in our vision for the wedding can be paralyzing, preventing us from moving forward and eventually enjoying the outcome of our hard work.

In: Permeability

It may be tempting to close ourselves off to avoid getting hurt when reality fails to live up to our expectations. We can’t be disappointed if we don’t really try or care, right? But there are other ways to counter this tendency to spiral, like cultivating a mindset of permeability.

Emmons describes permeability as absorbing both the good and the bad we encounter, letting life’s rewards and penalties move through us without holding on too tightly, and playing our own role in giving and receiving.

I love the idea of embracing permeability while wedding planning, because it applies to many issues that arise. “For example,” Emmons notes, “if the flowers you had your heart set on aren’t available, or something goes wrong at the last minute, fine. You let yourself feel a pang of disappointment and then you let it go. You have stress, but you don’t have a buildup of stress.”

A permeable mindset enables you to pivot to whatever is available and enjoy the goodness of that option, too, he adds. “It allows you to see the humor and even get some pleasure from the inevitable glitches that make the whole process more interesting.”

Permeability also helps reinforce body acceptance. Many of us have imagined what we would look like on our wedding day, but the reality may be quite different. Permeability allows us to acknowledge that disconnect — as well as the feelings it evokes — without judgment. “Honoring that you don’t have to feel 100 percent amazing about yourself at all times in order to care for yourself and cheer yourself on is really important,” says Nisbet-Croes.

Out: People-Pleasing

When it comes to weddings, everyone has an opinion. The guest list, venue, schedule, flowers, food, you name it — every choice can be subject to critique. Facing this onslaught of advice and external expectation can intensify some people’s overly complaisant tendencies.

This is partly a reaction to the worn-out Bridezilla trope, characterized as being burdensome, uptight, and overly opinionated — qualities that people-pleasers go out of their way to avoid, Bejar explains. “The people-pleasing bride might double down on her baseline people-pleaser tendencies in a desperate attempt to evade being perceived as a Bridezilla.”

As a textbook people-pleaser, I tend to be overly agreeable to avoid criticism, conflict, or rejection — especially when faced with other people’s strong opinions. I often let their perspectives supplant my own, which has occasionally led to frustration and resentment, two things I absolutely don’t want to take away from my wedding experience.

In: Honoring My Internal Compass

A beautiful lesson I’ve learned over the past few months is that I can listen to everyone without taking everything they say on board. It goes back to Emmons’s thoughts on permeability: I can let other people’s opinions flow through me without letting them dictate my decisions.

“Many people actually don’t care if you use their advice — they’re simply trying to be helpful or honestly just filling conversation,” Bejar says. She recommends developing a boilerplate response to use when people offer suggestions, such as “That’s a great idea; I’ll give it some thought” or “Thanks for the suggestions. I’ll check with my ______ (planner, mom, partner, etc.).”

A beautiful lesson I’ve learned
over the past few months is that
I can listen to everyone without
taking everything they say on board.

I am also using this experience as an opportunity to practice sitting with uncertainty and discomfort as I determine my own preferences. Although ubiquitous marketing efforts and my anxiety want me to believe that all my decisions need to be made right now, I don’t need to make a snap decision to ease my distress. It’s OK to sit with my options for a few days or weeks before making a final choice, allowing my true feelings and thoughts the chance to surface.

Out: Perfectionism

I’ve been a perfectionist all my life. And my old perfectionist monster, with its biting internal criticism and self-defeating diatribes, has become increasingly formidable as of late.

This voice is known as the inner critic, Bejar says. “It’s well-intentioned, somewhat, because its job is to keep you safe, protect you from harm, and ensure you’re OK. This includes emotional harm, ego-bruising, embarrassment, and so on,” she explains. “Your inner critic does this by launching every criticism it imagines anyone else could think of before you can make the mistake that would lead to such outside criticism or emotional pain.”

Bejar adds that it’s common for our negative self-talk to go into overdrive while planning a wedding. With so many tasks to complete and so many eyes on our decisions, invoking our inner critic is our attempt to protect ourselves from potential rejection and failure.

In: Good Enough

No amount of planning will ensure that my wedding goes off without a hitch. No matter what I do, there will be things that go wrong, as well as things I wish I’d done differently.

I could certainly spend the next few months stressing over all these things. But if I do, I forgo the “good enough” in pursuit of the perfect — an illusory goal that can never be achieved — and I rob myself of the opportunity to enjoy the process, as well as my last months as a Tynjala. And I don’t want to step into this new, exciting phase of my life beaten down and demoralized by a monster of my own making. It’s time to put that baby to rest.

Doing this requires removing the inner critic’s power. Let her know that you understand she is there to protect you but that you don’t need protection in this way, Bejar advises. You are safe and loved; you are good enough.

This self-compassion can help us relax into the understanding that nothing will ever be perfect — not in wedding planning, not in life — but as long as we show up and stay present, everything else can and will be good enough too.

As if raising kids weren’t difficult and demanding enough, many parents feel pressure to do it perfectly. But we also have lives beyond the child-rearing sphere: We’re partners, friends, colleagues, and more.

Trying to excel at all these things at once is almost guaranteed to create what’s called “parent guilt”: When we go to work and leave the kids in someone else’s care, we feel guilty. When we leave work early for our kid’s soccer game — another twinge. When we miss happy hour with college pals because our kid needs help with a school project, we feel contrite because we fear we’re turning into a no-show friend.

To make things worse, this pervasive sense of falling short makes it hard for us to be present when we’re with our children, at work, or with friends. It’s a self-reinforcing negative cycle.

Marriage and career counselor Rachel Glik, EdD, LPC, author of A Soulful Marriage, has some suggestions for breaking out of the cycle and escaping parent guilt. She says the key to juggling these relationships is tending to your relationship with yourself.

Stress Source

You feel inadequate. Struggling to balance kids, work, and a social life can make you feel like a failure in all three spheres. It’s a particularly modern dilemma because responsibilities were once divided, Glik says: One parent, usually the mother, would take care of the kids while the father went off to work. “Today, moms are bearing a lot of financial burdens as well, and there are also working fathers accepting more household responsibilities.”

People in your life offer unsolicited advice. “Parents and in-laws may suggest what they think you should do about parenting or your other responsibilities, and it’s easy to take this unsolicited advice as criticism, even if that’s not its intention,” she says. (See “What’s the Best Way to Handle Unsolicited Advice From Family Members?” for expert suggestions.)

You believe you should be able to do it all. According to Glik, the biggest culprit in creating parent guilt is the illusion that our reservoir of energy and capacity is unlimited. “That sets us up for thinking we’re always missing the mark.”

Kids don’t care. You might wish that your kids could understand the pressure you’re facing and cut you some slack. But infants, toddlers, and adolescents can’t see everything you’re trying to do — because their needs take priority.

You compare yourself with ­others. Opportunities for comparison are everywhere — from acquaintances who seem to be thriving to social media ­images of “superparents” who are popular and prosperous.

“Social media can create a kind of groupthink in which we return to some of the self-conscious anxieties we had in middle school,” Glik says.

Setting boundaries is hard. The temptation to think we can do it all is connected to the difficulty of saying no when necessary.

“It takes so much more effort to set a boundary than it does to get mad or just give in,” says Glik. “It can be particularly hard to set boundaries with ourselves — to give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves.”

1. You don’t seem to be a priority. The therapy hour should feel sacred. If your therapist is chronically late, seems distracted during sessions, or doesn’t recall important details you’ve shared, consider looking elsewhere.
2. You’re not sure what you’re working on. An effective therapist will explain their approach, work with you to develop goals, and regularly check in to ensure you’re meeting them. Frequently wondering what you’re doing and why — or not getting clarity when you ask — can provide grounds for taking a step back from the relationship.
3. You feel more like a diagnosis than a human. Formal diagnoses can be helpful, especially if they lead to effective treatments. But you are a human, not a collection of symptoms, so think twice if your therapist seems more focused on treating a disorder than understanding a real person.
4. You feel minimized, judged, or belittled. These are obvious red flags: Therapy must feel safe to be effective. Still, therapists are human. They make mistakes, miss cues, and put their foot in their mouth from time to time … which is why the final sign is so important.
5. You don’t feel comfortable offering feedback. You can and should be able to bring up missteps or misunderstandings without fear of getting a defensive reaction. Any therapist who isn’t willing to hear your concerns is not the right therapist for you.

For most of human history, what we now call green, or natural, burial was simply considered “burial.” When someone died, the family, community, or other custodians of the dead would dig a shallow hole in the earth and place the shrouded, unembalmed body inside. The process was simple, unintentionally eco-friendly, and meaningful — an integral religious and cultural practice that became marginalized by colonization and modernization.

Today, green burials are an alternative to embalming fluids and concrete vaults, prioritizing decomposition over preservation, which can wreak havoc on the environment. Each year, conventional funerals in the United States require an estimated 20 million board feet of casket wood, 64,500 tons of steel, 1.6 million tons of concrete for burial vaults, and 4 million gallons of embalming fluid, a carcinogen. By eliminating the need for these materials, natural burials are often more eco-friendly and less expensive than conventional ones.

Each year, conventional funerals in the United States require an estimated 20 million board feet of casket wood, 64,500 tons of steel, 1.6 million tons of concrete for burial vaults, and 4 million gallons of embalming fluid, a carcinogen.

Green burials tend to be shallower than most conventional burials, at 3 to 4 feet rather than 5 to 6 feet; the soil closer to the surface is more amenable to decomposition. It can take two to 20 years for the body and bones to fully decompose, depending on factors like soil type and bacterial and moisture content.

Notably, green burials are legal in every state — but not every cemetery allows them. (If a cemetery requires the purchase of a casket and vault, that is their policy rather than the law.)

Green burials can be performed at green cemeteries, legally designated family burial plots, and conservation burial grounds, which are protected via conservation easements that prohibit development of the land and, often, restore the land with native plants and community management.

However, just because green burial is legal throughout the United States doesn’t mean there is a green burial ground established everywhere yet. Find a green cemetery in the United States or Canada here. To locate a conservation burial ground, visit the Conservation Burial Alliance. To learn about starting a green burial in your community, the Green Burial Council offers talking points.