Conflict is a fact of life. If we interact with other people over any stretch of time — siblings, friends, colleagues, the awesome postal worker who’s been on our route forever — we’ll eventually have moments of disagreement.

And though relational conflict can be difficult with anyone, the fights we have with our intimate partners are often the most distressing. When we lack the skills for productive conflict, run-ins with our significant others can derail us — and our relationships — in ways that touch all parts of our lives. This might be why so many of us avoid it.

But scrambling to avoid disagreements with our partners creates a whole new set of problems. “Conflict is a natural part of every human relationship,” explain relationship researchers John Gottman, PhD, and Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, in their book Fight Right. “And it’s a necessary part of every human relationship.”

“We tend to equate low levels of conflict with happiness,” they add, “but that just isn’t true. The absence of conflict doesn’t indicate a strong relationship — in fact, it can lead to exactly the opposite.”

Always spoiling for a fight isn’t any better. “It’s not whether there’s conflict in your relationship that makes it or breaks it. Even the happiest couples fight,” they note. “It’s how you do it.”

The Stakes

How couples approach conflict is a revealing barometer of their relationship’s health. The Gottmans’ research has found that the first three minutes of a fight can reliably predict whether a couple will be together or apart six years later.

Couples who exhibited what the Gottmans call the four horsemen of the apocalypse — criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness — split up, on average, within five years after getting married. Couples with a higher ratio of positive-to-negative interactions during conflict, on the other hand, were more likely to be together down the road. (These positive gestures can be subtle, like using humor to lighten the moment.)

Couples who didn’t fight at all didn’t wrestle with the four horsemen, but over time their relationships were no longer intimate. When couples stuffed their complaints and frustrations rather than expressing them and working them out as a team, they stopped really knowing each other. They had no major conflict, the Gottmans note, “but also no humor. No question asking. No interest in one another.”

Learning to navigate conflict in a relationship-building way requires knowledge, practice, and more practice. For many of us, it means changing old habits. Our approach to conflict is usually born out of how we learned to handle emotions as children, and deeply ingrained responses and behaviors require a lot of effort to change.

Yet the deeper connection you can ultimately have with your loved one is worth the fight.

The Skills

“It’s only human to have conflicts. It’s even humane to have conflicts,” the Gottmans explain. “Often, it’s exactly the right thing to do.”

At the same time, the benefits of conflict are only possible when we bring our full humanity to our disagreements. The Gottmans have found that couples who go the distance are the ones that have learned to treat conflict as collaboration, not war. And when someone gets hurt (which will inevitably happen from time to time), these couples know how to come back together and make amends.

“One or both parties slows things down,” they explain. “They intentionally defuse any building hostility with an infusion of positivity — anything from an overt apology to a simple nod of, ‘OK, I see your point,’ to a little inside joke that breaks the rising tension.”

If this doesn’t exactly describe your conflict style, don’t despair. Most of us need to learn the skills of relational conflict. These guideposts can get you on the road to healthy conflict.

( 1 )

Let go of the myth of “the one.”

As a young adult, communication coach and author Jayson Gaddis bounced from relationship to relationship, assuming once he’d found the right person, things would feel perpetually amazing. “I bought into the notion that when you find ‘the one,’ or meet the ‘right’ person, it should always feel good and the two of you should never fight,” he writes in Getting to Zero. “Of course, this is absurd.”

Yet many of us are unconsciously driven by this myth. It’s understandable: From childhood on, we’re bombarded with rom-coms, love songs, and pop-culture fantasies that reinforce the idea that after a meet-cute and a few adorable speed bumps, couples will sail off into the sunset.

Conflict is a when, not an if. It is not a sign that you’re with the wrong person. It’s a sign that you’re with a person.

But if we layer this template over our real-life relationships, it will always seem as if we’re with the “wrong” person — because life isn’t a rom-com. Conflict is a when, not an if. It is not a sign that you’re with the wrong person. It’s a sign that you’re with a person.

“If you’re a human being and you want to be in relationships and you don’t like conflict, you get a dog,” says couples expert Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT.

( 2 )

Understand your conflict style.

The Gottmans describe three potential conflict styles in a healthy relationship: avoiding, volatile, and validating.

1. Avoiders fall into two camps. The first type tends to be overwhelmed by strong emotions, especially negative ones, and prefers to skirt topics that rock the boat by focusing on common ground. The second is more comfortable with strong emotions, including ones that differ from their partners, but they don’t want to argue with their partner about them.
2. Volatile types are not just comfortable expressing big emotions, they relish it. Fights can get heated quickly, but tussling over things is part of the way volatile types connect, and sometimes even enjoy, each other. They’re the opposite of avoidant types.
3. Validators fall right in the middle. Unlike avoidant types, they aren’t afraid to disagree, but neither are they interested in a heated debate like volatile types. They want to debate an issue and find common ground, or problem-solve, without too much fuss.

Neurodivergence can also play a role in our conflict style, explains Tatkin. He notes that negative bids for attention are more common among people with ADHD, possibly because their prefrontal cortex is hypoactive and receives less blood flow and oxygen. “They poke and they prod to create conflict in an effort to stimulate the frontal area in, say, the way coffee does,” he explains. (Read more: “How to Thrive in a Neurodiverse Relationship.”)

Navigating these different styles in a relationship is an intricate dance, but simply knowing where you and your partner fall on the spectrum can help you approach conflict in a healthier way.

( 3 )

Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

Our brains make quick cause-and-effect connections continuously, most of which are beneath our conscious awareness. Say the person you love arrives home late from work. You might assume traffic was terrible, or that your beloved partner is a thoughtless person who doesn’t care about spending time with you.

Many of us may assume the latter. When it comes to understanding other people’s behavior, some evidence suggests that people in more individualistic cultures tend to favor personality-based explanations over situational ones; this is known as the fundamental attribution error. If we never pause to question our assumptions, we might turn our partners into enemies without anyone saying a word.

Try to catch yourself when snap judgments crop up.

Try to catch yourself when snap judgments crop up. Ask yourself whether circumstances might be to blame. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt until you have more information.

( 4 )

Make room for your partner’s enduring vulnerabilities.

No one escapes childhood without some emotional sore spots, says couples therapist Carrie Cole, PhD, LMHC. “We like to call those spots ‘enduring vulnerabilities,’” she explains. “Those hurts weren’t necessarily intentional — some of them might have been, but some of them might have just been messages that we got from somebody who was frustrated with us. They can leave lasting scars.”

For example, someone who grew up amid conflicts that could escalate into violence might remain jumpy around raised voices. Someone else might be highly reactive to any whiff of criticism that sounds like what they heard repeatedly as a child.

If you’ve been with your partner for a while, chances are you already know their sore spots. If you don’t, take some time to learn them. Then you can create agreements for how to handle them going forward, such as by promising to argue calmly and avoid using words that you know could be extra hurtful.

This helps create the kind of trust that makes healthy conflict possible. “Couples have to develop social contracts around behavior so that they’re ensuring each other’s safety and security and able to deal with each other without fear,” says Tatkin.

( 5 )

Remind yourself you love this person.

When tensions rise between you and your partner, take a moment to remind yourself that this is the person you love, recommends family therapist Terrence Real, LISCW.

It will probably not come naturally. “Do you remember, really, in that heated moment when fear or righteous anger courses through your veins, that you love this person?” Real writes in his 2022 book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. “The sobering answer, if you’re dead honest with yourself, is that you do not.”

Even modest conflict can switch on the survival mode in the autonomic nervous system, and the ensuing neurochemical cascade overrides the executive functions of the brain — the parts that help you value other people.

This temporary amnesia is caused by our fight-or-flight response. Even modest conflict can switch on the survival mode in the autonomic nervous system, and the ensuing neurochemical cascade overrides the executive functions of the brain — the parts that help you value other people. Essentially, you stop seeing your partner as your partner and start seeing them as a cheetah chasing you on an ancient savannah.

This requires just a brief check-in with yourself, not a five-paragraph love letter to your partner. Maybe even silently repeat something silly, like “not a cheetah, not a cheetah.” Doing whatever you can to pause and retrieve some awareness of the love you share can diffuse the impulse to fight as if your life is at stake when it isn’t.

( 6 )

Know the signs that your child self has taken over.

One reason we avoid conflict or become aggressive during conflict is because our child selves are usually the first to show up to a fight. Real describes this part of us as the Adaptive Child: We developed it during childhood to handle whatever difficulties we had to face without the help of reasonable adults.

Although our Adaptive Child strategies protected us when we were young and had limited options, they tend to have disastrous effects on adult interactions. Maybe an ability to lie or evade the truth helped protect us from an intrusive parent. Or our parents never set any limits, and now we have difficulty empathizing and feel enraged when others won’t meet all our demands. That might have worked great then; not so much now.

To get back to what Real calls our Wise Adult self, we need to learn the signs that the Adaptive Child has taken over. One is what Real calls “the whoosh”: “The visceral reaction that comes up from the feet like a wave washing over your body.” Chances are we’re also feeling perfectionistic, relentless, rigid, harsh, hard, and certain.

When this happens, take a break from the disagreement until you can settle down and return when the Wise Adult is back in charge. You’ll know you’re there when you’re able to be nuanced, flexible, forgiving, yielding, and humble.

(Learn more from Real about how to cultivate your Wise Adult: “How to Move Beyond Individualism to Create a More Loving Relationship.”)

( 7 )

Develop rules of engagement.

The best time to prepare yourself for a disagreement is when you’re not having one. If you and your partner make decisions about how to handle conflict when you’re both calm, you can minimize damage and increase the chances that your arguments are productive. (Use these five questions to get started.)

You could start by writing down some phrases to signal that you need a break, such as “This is getting too rough; let’s take a time out,” or “I’m starting to hit overwhelm; can we take a break?” The Gottmans note that feeling really overwhelmed and flooded can make it hard to say anything at all, so you might also consider agreeing on a hand signal for a time out, like the typical T that coaches use.

The best time to prepare yourself for a disagreement is when you’re not having one.

When you take a break, seek out activities to help reset your nervous system — a walk, a hot bath, a workout, or some deep breathing. If you need to call a friend for support, avoid the temptation to simply complain about your partner, which can just keep you activated.

When you do take a break, be sure to set a time to return to the conversation so the conflict doesn’t linger. Be specific: “I’ll come back in half an hour.” Or “let’s return to this tonight after dinner.” When there’s no plan to reconnect, a break can be as stressful as staying in an unproductive fight. A boundary lets your nervous system know it’s safe to power down.

( 8 )

Remember that conflict is a chance to know your partner better.

If you express your anger with contempt, criticism, stonewalling, or defensiveness — the four most destructive ways of interacting — it automatically turns your partner into your enemy. They’re someone you’re fighting against.

But if you can approach your partner with even a little bit of curiosity, conflict becomes an opportunity to understand them better. That’s because conflict, at its core, reflects a basic, neutral fact: Our partners are not us. A relationship involves two individuals with diverse backgrounds, hopes, worldviews, and fears.

“Conflict has a goal: mutual understanding,” the Gottmans explain. “Without conflict, without fighting, we would not be able to understand each other fully or love each other fully.”

Think of conflict as an indicator light. When it turns on, it’s simply a reminder that you and your partner don’t see things in the same way. This moment is a great opportunity to get to know them better. If you can understand conflict as a chance to learn something new, then you can fight together toward a deeper, more connected relationship.

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When you took the job that you have now, did you hope it would make you happy?

If so, perhaps you’ve been surprised — or even disappointed. Though some people are fortunate enough to love what they do for a living, the majority of us face routine challenges that undermine our efforts to enjoy our jobs.

Whether it’s a difficult boss, competitive coworkers, excessive time demands, or work that’s simply not engaging, the stresses we face at work are real and consequential.

Dealing with coworker incivility is detrimental not only to the employee but also to his or her significant other, according to a 2011 Baylor University study. It can even have a ripple effect that extends to the partner’s workplace. (See “Work Stress Hits Home”.)

Yet our workplaces also offer myriad opportunities to learn and grow — and even become happier.

As former Wall Street executive Michael Carroll, author of The Mindful Leader, puts it, “Maybe problems arise at work not as interruptions or intrusions, but as invitations to gain real wisdom.”

One way to develop workplace wisdom is by improving the way we communicate — whether it’s posting to online forums, sending an email, or having a face-to-face conversation.

The ability to connect with our colleagues plays a critical role in our happiness at work, not least because there is a vital link between skillful self-expression and integrity. Communicating effectively with colleagues allows us to maintain higher levels of trust, which creates more collaborative — and enjoyable — work environments.

These efforts can have an impact beyond the workplace, as well. Successfully managing our emotional states at work can help us be more effective in all areas of our lives.

So how can we practice skillful self-expression at the office?

It starts with mindful self-awareness. Staying present during those inevitable moments of tension gives us the opportunity to assess our thoughts and emotions before reacting. (For more, also see “5 Skills for Authentic Communication.”)

As the following challenging workplace situations show, a little mindfulness at work can go a long way.

1. Challenge: Being Honest at Work — With Yourself and Others

Still, integrity entails speaking up — if only to yourself. That may sound like an oxymoron, but it isn’t.

We often lie to ourselves about our true feelings. We believe that if we tell ourselves the scary truth about how we really feel about someone, we will be forced to change our lives in uncomfortable ways. This paranoia about being fully honest fosters unhappiness in many workplaces. Still, we can be fully honest without blasting the boss or causing disorder.

Here’s one example: I had a meditation student whose colleague appeared to steal an idea from him. Rather than confronting him immediately, my student sat with his feelings for a couple of days. During that time he was totally honest with himself — he felt angry, hurt, and that his trust had been damaged.

By the time he took action and reached out to his colleague by email, he no longer felt heated, even if he was still hurt. His note was short, direct, honest, and respectful. In the end, the colleague apologized and explained. The two of them went on to have an excellent working relationship for many years.

Even if the outcome hadn’t been so positive, my student learned that he could sit with his painful feelings until he felt less reactive. He was honest with himself instead of avoiding the difficulty, which helped him find clarity. Waiting and reflecting allowed him to communicate in a way that was much more effective. And it was the way he treated his own feelings that made the difference — he didn’t have to change anyone else.

Exercise: Pause and Reflect

The next time you experience hurt feelings after a workplace interaction, consciously refrain from reacting for 48 hours. During that time, set aside some time for reflection. Do your best to refrain from focusing on the other person involved, instead directing your attention to your own feelings. What emotions do you feel? See if you can consciously accept them, which may help loosen their grip. After the strong-feelings have subsided, reach out to your colleague. You’ll be in a much better position to communicate your concerns.

Stealth Meditation:
Set an intention for the day before beginning work. For example: “May I treat everyone today with respect, remembering that each person wants to be happy as much as I do.”

2. Challenge: Navigating Office Gossip

One way to avoid the negative effects of gossip is to set good boundaries. When another of my meditation students discovered her boss was having an affair, she made two decisions:

1) She would not help him deceive his spouse or anyone else; and

2) she would not share her knowledge of the affair with others at work, because it was not their business.

Her decision not to support the situation and to refrain from gossip provided her with a safe refuge where she was able to maintain her integrity, because she successfully avoided any conversations that would result in betraying someone’s trust. (Learn more about setting healthy boundaries at “How to Set Clear Boundaries“.)

Exercise: Resist the Urge to Pass It On

The next time someone shares a juicy piece of gossip with you, notice how hard it is not to repeat. Then see if you can sit quietly, bring awareness to that temptation without judgment, and let the desire to share the story fade. Later, try to notice whether setting boundaries around gossip provides you with your own safe refuge. (The good news is you don’t have to stop others from gossiping — your only task is to examine your own response to it.)

Stealth Meditation:
For an upcoming one-on-one conversation, resolve to listen more and speak less.

3. Challenge: An Aggressive Workplace Culture

In such a paradigm, there are winners and losers and little belief in collaboration. When we emphasize power over compassion, and disparagement over cooperation, in our work environments, we weaken our connections with our coworkers and make skillful communication less likely.

Still, we don’t have to play by these rules, even if it seems expected of us.

Another meditation student of mine learned this from a surprising interaction with her restaurant manager. My student had behaved rudely to a customer, and the manager asked to speak with her privately. She geared up to defend herself, since — like many people — she had experienced workplace discipline that was delivered in belittling terms. But she was completely disarmed when the manager began the conversation by complimenting her with utmost sincerity on her work at the restaurant and her general character.

By the time the subject of the problem interaction came up, she was open to hearing what the manager had to say and agreed she could’ve handled it differently.

The problem was resolved without anyone having to win or lose, and without either party resorting to aggressive or disparaging tactics.

Exercise: Offer Positive Feedback

We can diffuse negativity and competition by affirming our colleagues whenever it’s appropriate. Be happy for them when things go well, and supportive when they don’t. When we take joy in others’ successes instead of their losses, we step outside the win–lose equation. Once we’ve grounded ourselves in positive appreciation as a practice, we can offer critical feedback in a more direct and straightforward fashion, without the negative charge.

Stealth Meditation:
Notice how you are holding something — a steering wheel or cup, for instance. What is the quality of your grip? Sometimes we exert so much force holding things it exacerbates our tension without our realizing it.

4. Challenge: The Defensive Colleague

It might sound formulaic, but the use of “I” language is a skill worth practicing if what we want is dialogue and authentic communication. The word “you” is almost guaranteed to trigger defenses and reduce a person’s ability to listen effectively. The difference between “You never meet your deadlines” and “I was planning to work on this document today but it wasn’t ready” can be profound.

Exercise: Use the First Person

When you have critical feedback to offer a colleague, especially one who is habitually defensive, avoid framing the conversation around his or her defects. Instead, focus on the effect on your work or performance. The easiest tactic is to simply remember to use “I” instead of “you,” as in, “I had to work over the weekend on that project, because I didn’t receive the information I needed on time.” Notice if your listener seems better able to receive what you have to say.

Stealth Meditation:
Look for ways to acknowledge someone’s accomplishments. Praise promptness, diligence, or efforts to collaborate, for example.

5. Challenge: Unconscious Body Language

If you can become aware of the fact that your body sends messages of its own, you’ll gain insight into the response of others toward you. You can also gain control of the messages you send.

Here’s how that might look: Say your boss says something annoying to you in passing. Instantly, your sympathetic nervous system is aroused, your heart rate increases, your respiration rate shoots up, and the stress hormone cortisol is released into your bloodstream.

If you don’t pause and attend to your physical response, you may not be able to control your verbal response — and you may say something you regret. But if you stop the moment you notice you’re upset, and conduct a mental review of your body sensations, you’ll have the chance to take a breath and relax. Relaxing under pressure allows for new responses and possibilities, so you can choose the best verbal reply and course of action.

Exercise: Body Check

The next time you feel annoyed at work, pause and conduct a brief mental body scan. Take the time to unclench your hands, relax your jaw, catch your breath, and step back a couple of feet (literally), rather than sending an inappropriate physical — or verbal — response.

Stealth Meditation:
When walking to a meeting or to lunch, feel your feet against the ground and the sense of your body moving through space. Do not text or take calls while doing this.

6. Challenge: Email Communications

“When you type an email, before you send it, sit back, take three deep breaths while not thinking about the email, then return to the email and reread it — not so much for the data but for the emotional effect it will have on the reader,” says Google visionary Chade-Meng Tan. “Imagine being that reader and try to look at the impact it might have. Then change it accordingly and send it.”

While it might seem time consuming to write an email this way, it is far easier than trying to retrieve a regrettable message.

Exercise: Mindful Email

Before sending an important email to the intended recipient, send it to yourself first. When you read it as the recipient, you’ll take in the tone, implications, and omissions that you might otherwise miss when you’re focused on composition. This will also give you the time you may need to reassess your own emotional state and revise the message (if necessary) before sending it off.

Stealth Meditation:
We all receive upsetting emails. Resolve to wait at least two hours to respond to anything that makes your heart race.

7. Challenge: Constant Interruptions

One study found that people whose work is constantly interrupted make 50 percent more mistakes and take twice as long to finish their tasks than those who work undisturbed.

A happy workplace requires that employees working in close quarters respect the privacy of their coworkers. The key to working in disruption-prone environments is to set a good example: We can practice being mindful of our colleagues’ mental space and not dominating the environment with unhelpful chatter, nosiness, and interruptions. We can also practice patience.

Exercise: Make Peace With Interruptions

If someone consistently interrupts your work flow, and you’re becoming agitated, see if you can put the irritated feelings aside and deal with the present moment’s needs. The goal is not to reject your own irritability as “bad”; you’re just making the choice to pay attention to something else.

This also doesn’t mean you never seek resolution with a chronic interrupter. It means you can do so at a time and place of your choosing. The best time for an honest, constructive conversation about workplace boundaries is when tensions have subsided. You’ll be more charitable to your colleagues’ feelings and more creative when considering solutions.

Finally, use the power of nonverbal communication. Wear headphones to signal that you’re concentrating. Post a sign next to your computer stating what time you’ll be available for conversation. And if someone still interrupts you, remember to take a deep breath before replying.

Stealth Meditation:
Try to perform a conscious act of kindness every day. It can be as simple as holding an elevator door, saying thank you in a sincere manner, or listening to someone with a clear and focused mind.

Self-Expression

The following three criteria will help you develop skillful communication at work (and everywhere else) by helping you decide what (and whether) to communicate. They are valuable whether an interaction happens in person, on the phone, or in a digital format.

1. Is what you’re saying true? Truthfulness must be the bottom line. If we’re being half-honest, we compromise our integrity and risk losing our colleagues’ trust.

2. Is it useful? Ask yourself if what you have to say is truly constructive and will help achieve the goal you have in mind. Be sensitive to the context, timing, and emotional state of your listener. It is unhelpful to pursue tough conversations until someone who is clearly upset has regained his or her composure.

3. Is it kind? Can you communicate what you have to say in a way that is polite, nonaggressive, nonconfrontational, and still honest? Do you feel “clean” in this communication, or is it tainted by competition, manipulation, or malice?

When communication fails to meet these three criteria — being true, useful, and kind — it’s wise to hold our tongues until we’ve given more thought to what we want to say.

This article has been updated and originally appeared as “Office Talk” in the September 2015 issue of Experience Life.

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If you’ve read this column before, you probably know there are many things I love about my work for Experience Life and, by extension, Life Time. The team, the readers, the members, the work, the mission — for me, it all adds up to an incredible experience that I feel so grateful and fortunate to call my professional life.

One aspect of my role that I haven’t shared much about, however, is my involvement with WELL: Women Empowering Leadership at Life Time. This affinity group is all about supporting and lifting up fellow women, and as a member of the board of directors, I get to help create opportunities for women across our organization to do this throughout the year.

Facilitating the WELL monthly events requires forward thinking and teamwork, so our board meets regularly to brainstorm and conceive new ideas. Most recently, we held our first-ever retreat, where we planned for 2024 while also connecting more deeply, as individuals and as a collective.

During an amazing dinner on our final night together, we got the chance to engage with each other more personally. As I reflected later on the conversation that took place over that meal, it occurred to me that the timing was serendipitous: This issue was in its final stages of production, I was just starting to think about what I wanted to write here, and this real-life experience matched the theme to a tee.

This edition of Experience Life is all about celebrating the whole you — including the parts that can be hard to see, tough to acknowledge, and difficult to embrace. Those might be behaviors or characteristics that we consider weaknesses, vulnerabilities, or even negatives. Yet through others’ eyes, they are often attributes to celebrate.

“With a simple prompt, we had opened ourselves up to each other — and I, for one, have felt more whole ever since.”

Our discussion at that WELL dinner was an exercise in celebrating one another. Earlier in the day, we had all received sheets of paper with “In a Word” written across the top and everyone’s names listed down one side. Our board chair asked us to, throughout the day, think about and write down one word to describe each woman in attendance. That night, focusing on one person at a time, we shared what we had come up with.

Giving and receiving those words was nothing short of transformative. For several of us, it was our first time being physically together after years of virtual meetings, yet we knew each other. We saw one another.

Themes emerged as we took our turns, the explanations behind the words offering deeper insights and creating a stronger web — of validation and connection. We laughed, we cried, and we let ourselves be vulnerable as we celebrated each of us, accepting and embracing parts of ourselves we perhaps didn’t or couldn’t see before.

As the evening drew to a close, we all knew we had experienced some­thing special, maybe even a bit magical. With a simple prompt, we had opened ourselves up to each other — and I, for one, have felt more whole ever since. If I could bottle that up, I would; the feeling is, in a word, powerful.

During these final months of the year, my wish is that you, too, are able to seek and find that sense of wholeness — even if momentarily. Perhaps it’s through personal reflection, meaningful conversation (read this article on five ways to engage in more authentic communication), or a bit of fun (for tips on that, see “Make Room for More Fun!“). As mindfulness expert Sharon Salzberg says, “Find some community of understanding, where you can reflect on what you’re going through, where you allow your vulnerabilities to be shown, and where you support one another in truthfulness.”

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Representation of women in the workforce has come a long way over the past 100 years: In 1920, women made up about 20 percent of the labor force; as of 2021, that number rose to 47 percent. Yet we know there’s still room for improvement. During the pandemic, a disproportionate number of women compared to men left the workforce. There are also still inequities in pay and leadership roles.

One way we can close the gender gap — and find more fulfillment in our work lives — is using our experience and abilities to support others. In honor of Women’s History Month, which is celebrated every March, we asked a few of the women leaders at Life Time Work (a premium coworking concept that combines exceptional workspaces with a world-class health club experience) to share their advice for women in the workforce.

Meet the Leaders:

• Laura McLellan from Life Time Work in Edina, Minn.
• Chelsea Sobstyl from Life Time Work in Sandy Springs, Ga.
• Stephany Ortega from Life Time Work City Centre Five in Houston, Texas
• Alicia Evans from Life Time Work in St. Louis Park, Minn.
• Molly Walsh from Life Time Work in Coral Gables, Fla.

What advice would you give to other women when it comes to advancing their career and gaining confidence?

“The thing I’ve found most helpful over my 25 years in the workforce is staying in touch and supporting coworkers, clients, and others I’ve met and worked with along the way. They will always be your best resource for finding new clients, people to hire, and a new job, and for moving up in your career.” — Laura McLellan

“Find your ‘why,’ or reason and purpose for getting out of bed and going to work every day. Practice self-affirmations: If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will either. Ask for help: This may be intimidating in the workplace, especially as a woman, but I’ve learned it’s something your leaders want you to do. And get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Life is going to put you in uncomfortable situations, both personally and professionally, and learning how to navigate them is key.” — Chelsea Sobstyl

“First, speak up and take initiative. When an opportunity to show your leadership or management abilities presents itself, take it. This can include leading a project, initiating change, or simply offering ideas. Second, work effectively with other women. Despite the gender gap for women in leadership and decision-making roles, we must not view other women as competition. And third, find a mentor — and then be one yourself.” — Stephany Ortega

“Let those around you see who you are by your work ethic. Actions speak louder than words. My personal mantra is one from Beyonce: ‘Don’t say the things that you’re going to do, do them. Be about that change.’ Also, confidence comes with time. Get those years of experience under your belt. Once you start to build your experiences, you’ll be able to draw from them in future situations.” — Alicia Evans

“Speak up, ask to sit at the table you want to be at, raise your hand and use your voice in meetings, and be bold and clear when meeting new people.” — Molly Walsh

What valuable lessons have you learned in the workforce?

“Lead with empathy. I’ve found this strengthens teams, builds trust, and creates an atmosphere of health and happiness.” — Laura McLellan

“It’s OK to say no. You can’t do everything and if you try, it won’t be sustainable and will lead to burnout. I’ve learned how to prioritize my important tasks and have accepted that someone else’s urgent request doesn’t have to be my emergency.” — Chelsea Sobstyl

“Don’t apologize for your presence. Instead of saying ‘sorry’ when you knock on someone’s door, for example, ask them if they have a minute. Advocate for yourself and ask for what you want — no one else is going to speak up for you.” — Stephany Ortega

“Assert yourself as a professional in the rooms you occupy. Whether you’re surrounded by people who are older than you, by men, by those who seem more knowledgeable than you, etc., you’re in that room for a reason and are meant to be there. Also, make yourself an asset: Don’t just point out problems, be a problem-solver.” — Alicia Evans

How can women support themselves in the workplace?

“I think the biggest way women can support themselves is by supporting and uplifting other women. Celebrate each other’s wins. Speak up when someone can’t speak up for themself. Far too often I see women tearing each other down to get to the top. You can’t do it alone. Find your people, the ones who uplift and support you, and hang onto them.” — Chelsea Sobstyl

“Be comfortable with having success. As simple as it may sound, being confident is one of the biggest ways women can position themselves for leadership and decision-making roles within an organization.” — Stephany Ortega

“Seek guidance from those around you. Not only do I have my fantastic manager for guidance and leadership on a consistent basis, but I actively seek out advice from my other female coworkers and the female Life Time Work members — all of whom I deeply admire. You never know what experiences they’ve had that could help you in navigating one yourself.” — Alicia Evans

“Take time for yourself and your mental health, and for your family. Take a sick day, a vacation, a mental health day — it’s important to recharge when you need it.” — Molly Walsh

What advice would you give to women who may be facing burnout?

“Make yourself a priority. I like to use the analogy of a cup. Your cup is your mental health, your ability to hold space for yourself and others — it’s what you have to give. There are people in your life who will poke holes in the bottom of your cup. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, it could just be something that takes a little more time, energy, and effort. However, if you keep getting holes poked in your cup and aren’t refilling it with things you love (I refer to those things as rocks), your cup is going to run out. You need to find rocks to put in your cup that will slow down what you’re pouring out.” — Chelsea Sobstyl

“Free yourself from the guilt of not always being ‘on.’ Having work-life balance is not only crucial for your emotional headspace, but also for your ability to perform at work at a high level. It’s important that you give yourself permission to not answer that late-night email or phone call. You only get one life — enjoy it!” — Stephany Ortega

“If you experience seasonality in your line of work, take advantage of slower times to recharge and reset. That way, when the busy times roll around, you’re more ready to face them. In phases of burnout, lean on those closest to you, whether it be a partner, sibling, or friend, to talk through it and brainstorm healthy ways to cope.” — Alicia Evans

“Reevaluate your ‘why.’ How can you enjoy the things you do within your workday? What about it brings you joy? If you find you’re not able to answer those questions or your gut is telling you to leave, move toward something more fulfilling. Use podcasts and books as resources to help give you confidence and assurance that you have the ability to get what you want out of your job.” — Molly Walsh

Is there any other advice you’d like to share?

“Ask for feedback and fail forward. You can’t learn unless you fail, and you can’t grow without real, honest feedback. Show up for yourself, even when it feels like no one else is. Work on your own self-development by reading books and listening to podcasts. Challenge and check-in with yourself. If you’re not invested in yourself, it’s hard to get other people to buy into you.” — Chelsea Sobstyl

“When my well is dry of motivation, I like to watch TED Talks or consume media that highlights women who are dominating in their field. From Brené Brown to Iliza Shlesinger, seeing women who are leading the charge pumps me up to push through.” — Alicia Evans

“Being a woman is a superpower. Get to know your strengths and utilize them. Don’t be afraid to be heard. And always negotiate your salary and benefits. It’s OK to call out behavior that isn’t inclusive. Actively seek ways to support other women who are in leadership positions and look to them for mentorship, education, support, and guidance.” — Molly Walsh

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1. Match your words with your energy.

A little-known fact about boundaries is that they have less to do with what we say and more to do with how we say it. Ideally, our words and our energy match, creating congruence. If our boundaries are diffuse or rigid, congruence is unlikely.

This is best illustrated by the sentence “I’m fine.” How we say this can mean anything from “I’m doing well, thanks for asking” to “I’m actually not fine, and maybe we could talk about it later” or even “I’m not fine, I’m furious, and it’s all your fault!”

A mismatch between our words and energy requires others to decode our statements, which can create confusion and anxiety. It also indicates that we’re operating from a diffuse boundary.

A mismatch between our words and energy requires others to decode our statements, which can create confusion and anxiety. It also indicates that we’re operating from a diffuse boundary.

Alternatively, if we slam out of the house and turn off our phone, we’ve just created a rigid boundary, cutting off the relationship altogether.

If we’re not fine, and especially if we’re angry or hurt, and we would like to operate from a clear boundary, the best move is to own it and ask for some time. This could sound like, “Thanks for asking how I am. I’m not OK, but I need a bit of time alone before I can talk about it.” This congruent way of communicating honors us and the relationship.

2. Offer truth, good wishes, and no excuses.

People know when we’re lying, fudging, avoiding, or agreeing resentfully. Thanks to the energy accompanying our words, it just feels icky. So, what to do when we need space for ourselves, but we still want to protect the other’s feelings? How do we communicate from a clear boundary?

One useful formula is Truth, Good Wishes, and No Excuses. Start by being honest, and avoid any kind of excuse. Saying, “I can’t come because my sister will be here” not only invites negotiation (“Bring her along!”) but also creates the potential for judgment or hurt feelings about your priorities (“You could see your sister anytime”).

Skipping the excuses avoids both of those detours.

Conclude by offering goodwill to care for the connection.

These are some examples of clear-boundary responses that follow this formula. Notice how they create space and honor the relationship at the same time:

Declining invitations: “I won’t be making it, but I hope you have a lovely time.”

No second date: “It’s not a fit for me, but I wish you all the best.”

When a meeting runs long: “I have a hard stop at 5, but I’d love to chat another time.”

Saying no to a request for a favor: “That’s not going to work for me, but I hope you find a solution!”

Deflecting an intrusive inquiry: “I really appreciate your concern. It’s so kind of you to ask.” Full stop.

(Check out “Walking Your Talk: The Path of Personal Integrity” to see how your words and deeds connect — or don’t — to help you see where you really stand.)

3. Take up your space, your whole space, and nothing but your space.

When we talk about people with “bad” boundaries, we usually mean those who take up too much space: talking incessantly, standing too close, emoting too dramatically, and eating more than their fair share of the pie. Someone who parks a noisy, gas-guzzling truck across two parking spots or drags an oversize roller bag onto the plane.

Yet while the “too-much-spacers” do impinge upon the rights and needs of others, they also take care of their own needs, and they’re genuinely baffled by those who don’t.

It’s important to recognize that those of us who don’t take up our space or care for our needs create just as much of a burden on a relationship as the gas-guzzlers. Whether we call our diffuse boundaries self-sacrifice, martyrdom, or codependence, our burnout and resentment also land on everyone else’s shoulders.

If we want to do something truly relational, we must first make sure we can give our time, energy, or service freely, without strings or expectations.

For example, heroic, “selfless” acts  can almost never be repaid. We might think we’re helping when we offer a kidney to a distant relative even if it will put us out of commission for weeks, or when we allow our sister’s family to stay rent-free in our home for a year while we sleep on the couch. Such grand gestures can create a chasm of indebtedness that makes it almost impossible to maintain a balanced relationship.

If we want to do something truly relational, we must first make sure we can give our time, energy, or service freely, without strings or expectations. Then we honor the other person’s boundary by asking their permission before we help. Finally, we give them the dignity of returning the favor — or at least paying it forward.

“Your playing small doesn’t serve the world,” writes author and spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson.

Indeed, one of the greatest acts of love — which is also the greatest demonstration of clear boundaries — is taking up our space, caring for ourselves, and meeting our own needs, thus freeing up everyone in our lives to do the same.

This was excerpted from “How to Set Clear Boundaries” which was published in the November 2022 issue of Experience Life.

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We’ve all encountered colleagues whose physical presence makes us vaguely uncomfortable. They might perch on our desk rather than sitting in a chair, or lean in a little too close for a chat. They might look at the wall or fiddle with their smartphone while we talk. Unfortunately, there’s a good chance that we’ve all done equally irritating things ourselves without realizing it.

Research suggests body language makes up as much as 80 percent of all communication. And, because the vast majority of nonverbal cues are automatic nervous-system responses, most of us are fairly oblivious to what our bodies communicate, says former FBI special agent Joe Navarro, coauthor of What Every Body Is Saying, with Marvin Karlins, PhD.

For better or worse, body language tends to broadcast the way we are feeling, says Carol Kinsey Goman, PhD, author of The Silent Language of Leaders: How Body Language Can Help — or Hurt — How You Lead. “Almost all of our body language is driven by some kind of emotion,” she explains.

When we’re feeling things we’re not ready to overtly express, our bodies often do the talking for us.

The problem is that when we’re not aware of the messages our bodies are sending, we may find ourselves getting reactions from other people that we don’t understand, says Goman. Or we may wind up inadvertently offending and distancing people in ways that create unintended conflicts.

Often, the postures we adopt offer subtle (or not so subtle) cues about our true level of comfort, attention or emotional connection.

In other cases, though, body language can simply be the result of ingrained, unconscious habits. For example, a woman who was uncomfortable with her chest as a teenager might habitually cross her arms, unaware that she might be broadcasting a message of hostility to the very colleagues she wishes to impress.

The key to mastering your own body’s signals is to become conscious of whether or not they are consistent with the emotional messages you intend to relay. If you suspect one or more of the following habits might be sending the wrong signals and causing you unwanted trouble at work, here’s what you can do about it.

1. Telltale Tune-Outs

Ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is constantly checking text messages, fidgeting, staring down at the floor or picking lint off her clothes? The feeling you get is: This person doesn’t really care what I’m saying.

Given the barrage of electronic communication we all face these days, it might seem socially acceptable to shoot off a text or glance at our computer screen during a chat. We may even think this multitasking makes us appear professionally dedicated and efficient. But by fracturing our attention, we’re actually making our interactions less efficient. We may also wind up discouraging others from sharing complex, sensitive or important information with us because they pick up on the message that “it’s not a good time.”

Making it clear to others that you are paying attention is fairly simple, says Goman. First, sit still. Know that playing with your pencil or checking your texts communicates inattention. Get in the habit of turning your head and body toward whoever is speaking. Make eye contact. Leaning forward, nodding and tilting your head are other nonverbal ways to indicate interest.

Such small adjustments can yield rich rewards. “You’ll not only be received positively,” Goman says, “but you will also likely receive reciprocal attention.”

2. Defensive Maneuvers

When we cover the body’s points of vulnerability, like the stomach and groin, or we cross our arms or place our hands on our hips, we’re in a defensive posture. Human beings often assume defensive postures when they feel criticized, attacked or manipulated, says Navarro, who characterizes these responses as “part of our nervous system’s flight-or-fight response.” These body postures signal aggression (much like a dog’s growl), and because they tell people to back off, they tend to shut down communication.

When you notice your hackles are up, try taking a deep breath and remind yourself that you’re safe. Think about someone you love or a pleasant experience you have planned after work. Remembering you have a life beyond this moment will help call off the nervous system’s state of alarm.

If someone else is using defensive body language around you, make space, Navarro suggests. “Take a step back and turn your body to a slight angle,” he says. You might also try standing next to (rather than across from) the other person, and “tilting your head slightly to create a sense of empathy and openness.”

3. Oozing Expressions

Negative feelings at work are inevitable, but it’s critical to deal with them professionally. Just-barely-suppressed emotions can manifest in passive-aggressive behaviors like sneering, sulking and even eye rolling. “Rolling the eyes immediately communicates a sense of disapproval and disrespect,” says Navarro.

Breaking this habit requires some self-awareness and healthy discipline. Communications coach Nick Morgan, author of How to Read Body Language, suggests that if you’re inclined toward letting your negative feelings leak out in this way, you begin practicing more appropriate methods of processing strong feelings in a professional setting. If you’re upset at work, diffuse the emotional charge outside the office: Go to the gym, see a movie, take a long walk. Then, when it’s time to discuss the situation with your colleagues — a round of layoffs, unreasonable deadlines, overwhelming overtime — be direct and to the point.

Directness also can be an antidote to a coworker’s passive-aggressive antics. If you notice someone making a face or rolling his eyes, just ask calmly if he has something to say. This will likely stop the behavior cold and might even provoke a problem-solving conversation. (See “Who Says I’m Angry?!” page 82.)

4. Space Invaders

You’ve probably noticed that people in positions of power tend to take up a lot of room at the table: They splay their legs, spread their arms or slap people on the back as a greeting. While this may look like supreme confidence, hogging space or crossing physical boundaries is often just a sign of insensitivity.

“Violations of our personal space make us hypervigilant,” Navarro says. We may think we’re communicating confidence or joviality, but we might just be making our colleagues uncomfortable by getting too close.

While the meaning of “too close” varies between individuals and cultures, most Americans consider the 4 square feet of space around them to be “personal space.” Unless you have a personal relationship outside the office, crossing this line with a colleague can send a signal of disrespect or intimidation. So stay in what’s considered “social space” — between 4 and 12 feet — with everyone but your pals.

And rather than putting hands behind your head or stretching out your legs at the boardroom table, communicate confidence by assuming a calm, upright posture in your chair, with both feet planted firmly on the ground. This shows you know how to claim your space and leave room for others, too.

This article has been updated. It originally appeared as “Body Talk” in the October 2012 issue of Experience Life.

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