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Conflict is a fact of life. If we interact with other people over any stretch of time — siblings, friends, colleagues, the awesome postal worker who’s been on our route forever — we’ll eventually have moments of disagreement.

And though relational conflict can be difficult with anyone, the fights we have with our intimate partners are often the most distressing. When we lack the skills for productive conflict, run-ins with our significant others can derail us — and our relationships — in ways that touch all parts of our lives. This might be why so many of us avoid it.

But scrambling to avoid disagreements with our partners creates a whole new set of problems. “Conflict is a natural part of every human relationship,” explain relationship researchers John Gottman, PhD, and Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, in their book Fight Right. “And it’s a necessary part of every human relationship.”

“We tend to equate low levels of conflict with happiness,” they add, “but that just isn’t true. The absence of conflict doesn’t indicate a strong relationship — in fact, it can lead to exactly the opposite.”

Always spoiling for a fight isn’t any better. “It’s not whether there’s conflict in your relationship that makes it or breaks it. Even the happiest couples fight,” they note. “It’s how you do it.”

The Stakes

How couples approach conflict is a revealing barometer of their relationship’s health. The Gottmans’ research has found that the first three minutes of a fight can reliably predict whether a couple will be together or apart six years later.

Couples who exhibited what the Gottmans call the four horsemen of the apocalypse — criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness — split up, on average, within five years after getting married. Couples with a higher ratio of positive-to-negative interactions during conflict, on the other hand, were more likely to be together down the road. (These positive gestures can be subtle, like using humor to lighten the moment.)

Couples who didn’t fight at all didn’t wrestle with the four horsemen, but over time their relationships were no longer intimate. When couples stuffed their complaints and frustrations rather than expressing them and working them out as a team, they stopped really knowing each other. They had no major conflict, the Gottmans note, “but also no humor. No question asking. No interest in one another.”

Learning to navigate conflict in a relationship-building way requires knowledge, practice, and more practice. For many of us, it means changing old habits. Our approach to conflict is usually born out of how we learned to handle emotions as children, and deeply ingrained responses and behaviors require a lot of effort to change.

Yet the deeper connection you can ultimately have with your loved one is worth the fight.

The Skills

“It’s only human to have conflicts. It’s even humane to have conflicts,” the Gottmans explain. “Often, it’s exactly the right thing to do.”

At the same time, the benefits of conflict are only possible when we bring our full humanity to our disagreements. The Gottmans have found that couples who go the distance are the ones that have learned to treat conflict as collaboration, not war. And when someone gets hurt (which will inevitably happen from time to time), these couples know how to come back together and make amends.

“One or both parties slows things down,” they explain. “They intentionally defuse any building hostility with an infusion of positivity — anything from an overt apology to a simple nod of, ‘OK, I see your point,’ to a little inside joke that breaks the rising tension.”

If this doesn’t exactly describe your conflict style, don’t despair. Most of us need to learn the skills of relational conflict. These guideposts can get you on the road to healthy conflict.

( 1 )

Let go of the myth of “the one.”

As a young adult, communication coach and author Jayson Gaddis bounced from relationship to relationship, assuming once he’d found the right person, things would feel perpetually amazing. “I bought into the notion that when you find ‘the one,’ or meet the ‘right’ person, it should always feel good and the two of you should never fight,” he writes in Getting to Zero. “Of course, this is absurd.”

Yet many of us are unconsciously driven by this myth. It’s understandable: From childhood on, we’re bombarded with rom-coms, love songs, and pop-culture fantasies that reinforce the idea that after a meet-cute and a few adorable speed bumps, couples will sail off into the sunset.

Conflict is a when, not an if. It is not a sign that you’re with the wrong person. It’s a sign that you’re with a person.

But if we layer this template over our real-life relationships, it will always seem as if we’re with the “wrong” person — because life isn’t a rom-com. Conflict is a when, not an if. It is not a sign that you’re with the wrong person. It’s a sign that you’re with a person.

“If you’re a human being and you want to be in relationships and you don’t like conflict, you get a dog,” says couples expert Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT.

( 2 )

Understand your conflict style.

The Gottmans describe three potential conflict styles in a healthy relationship: avoiding, volatile, and validating.

1. Avoiders fall into two camps. The first type tends to be overwhelmed by strong emotions, especially negative ones, and prefers to skirt topics that rock the boat by focusing on common ground. The second is more comfortable with strong emotions, including ones that differ from their partners, but they don’t want to argue with their partner about them.
2. Volatile types are not just comfortable expressing big emotions, they relish it. Fights can get heated quickly, but tussling over things is part of the way volatile types connect, and sometimes even enjoy, each other. They’re the opposite of avoidant types.
3. Validators fall right in the middle. Unlike avoidant types, they aren’t afraid to disagree, but neither are they interested in a heated debate like volatile types. They want to debate an issue and find common ground, or problem-solve, without too much fuss.

Neurodivergence can also play a role in our conflict style, explains Tatkin. He notes that negative bids for attention are more common among people with ADHD, possibly because their prefrontal cortex is hypoactive and receives less blood flow and oxygen. “They poke and they prod to create conflict in an effort to stimulate the frontal area in, say, the way coffee does,” he explains. (Read more: “How to Thrive in a Neurodiverse Relationship.”)

Navigating these different styles in a relationship is an intricate dance, but simply knowing where you and your partner fall on the spectrum can help you approach conflict in a healthier way.

( 3 )

Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

Our brains make quick cause-and-effect connections continuously, most of which are beneath our conscious awareness. Say the person you love arrives home late from work. You might assume traffic was terrible, or that your beloved partner is a thoughtless person who doesn’t care about spending time with you.

Many of us may assume the latter. When it comes to understanding other people’s behavior, some evidence suggests that people in more individualistic cultures tend to favor personality-based explanations over situational ones; this is known as the fundamental attribution error. If we never pause to question our assumptions, we might turn our partners into enemies without anyone saying a word.

Try to catch yourself when snap judgments crop up.

Try to catch yourself when snap judgments crop up. Ask yourself whether circumstances might be to blame. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt until you have more information.

( 4 )

Make room for your partner’s enduring vulnerabilities.

No one escapes childhood without some emotional sore spots, says couples therapist Carrie Cole, PhD, LMHC. “We like to call those spots ‘enduring vulnerabilities,’” she explains. “Those hurts weren’t necessarily intentional — some of them might have been, but some of them might have just been messages that we got from somebody who was frustrated with us. They can leave lasting scars.”

For example, someone who grew up amid conflicts that could escalate into violence might remain jumpy around raised voices. Someone else might be highly reactive to any whiff of criticism that sounds like what they heard repeatedly as a child.

If you’ve been with your partner for a while, chances are you already know their sore spots. If you don’t, take some time to learn them. Then you can create agreements for how to handle them going forward, such as by promising to argue calmly and avoid using words that you know could be extra hurtful.

This helps create the kind of trust that makes healthy conflict possible. “Couples have to develop social contracts around behavior so that they’re ensuring each other’s safety and security and able to deal with each other without fear,” says Tatkin.

( 5 )

Remind yourself you love this person.

When tensions rise between you and your partner, take a moment to remind yourself that this is the person you love, recommends family therapist Terrence Real, LISCW.

It will probably not come naturally. “Do you remember, really, in that heated moment when fear or righteous anger courses through your veins, that you love this person?” Real writes in his 2022 book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. “The sobering answer, if you’re dead honest with yourself, is that you do not.”

Even modest conflict can switch on the survival mode in the autonomic nervous system, and the ensuing neurochemical cascade overrides the executive functions of the brain — the parts that help you value other people.

This temporary amnesia is caused by our fight-or-flight response. Even modest conflict can switch on the survival mode in the autonomic nervous system, and the ensuing neurochemical cascade overrides the executive functions of the brain — the parts that help you value other people. Essentially, you stop seeing your partner as your partner and start seeing them as a cheetah chasing you on an ancient savannah.

This requires just a brief check-in with yourself, not a five-paragraph love letter to your partner. Maybe even silently repeat something silly, like “not a cheetah, not a cheetah.” Doing whatever you can to pause and retrieve some awareness of the love you share can diffuse the impulse to fight as if your life is at stake when it isn’t.

( 6 )

Know the signs that your child self has taken over.

One reason we avoid conflict or become aggressive during conflict is because our child selves are usually the first to show up to a fight. Real describes this part of us as the Adaptive Child: We developed it during childhood to handle whatever difficulties we had to face without the help of reasonable adults.

Although our Adaptive Child strategies protected us when we were young and had limited options, they tend to have disastrous effects on adult interactions. Maybe an ability to lie or evade the truth helped protect us from an intrusive parent. Or our parents never set any limits, and now we have difficulty empathizing and feel enraged when others won’t meet all our demands. That might have worked great then; not so much now.

To get back to what Real calls our Wise Adult self, we need to learn the signs that the Adaptive Child has taken over. One is what Real calls “the whoosh”: “The visceral reaction that comes up from the feet like a wave washing over your body.” Chances are we’re also feeling perfectionistic, relentless, rigid, harsh, hard, and certain.

When this happens, take a break from the disagreement until you can settle down and return when the Wise Adult is back in charge. You’ll know you’re there when you’re able to be nuanced, flexible, forgiving, yielding, and humble.

(Learn more from Real about how to cultivate your Wise Adult: “How to Move Beyond Individualism to Create a More Loving Relationship.”)

( 7 )

Develop rules of engagement.

The best time to prepare yourself for a disagreement is when you’re not having one. If you and your partner make decisions about how to handle conflict when you’re both calm, you can minimize damage and increase the chances that your arguments are productive. (Use these five questions to get started.)

You could start by writing down some phrases to signal that you need a break, such as “This is getting too rough; let’s take a time out,” or “I’m starting to hit overwhelm; can we take a break?” The Gottmans note that feeling really overwhelmed and flooded can make it hard to say anything at all, so you might also consider agreeing on a hand signal for a time out, like the typical T that coaches use.

The best time to prepare yourself for a disagreement is when you’re not having one.

When you take a break, seek out activities to help reset your nervous system — a walk, a hot bath, a workout, or some deep breathing. If you need to call a friend for support, avoid the temptation to simply complain about your partner, which can just keep you activated.

When you do take a break, be sure to set a time to return to the conversation so the conflict doesn’t linger. Be specific: “I’ll come back in half an hour.” Or “let’s return to this tonight after dinner.” When there’s no plan to reconnect, a break can be as stressful as staying in an unproductive fight. A boundary lets your nervous system know it’s safe to power down.

( 8 )

Remember that conflict is a chance to know your partner better.

If you express your anger with contempt, criticism, stonewalling, or defensiveness — the four most destructive ways of interacting — it automatically turns your partner into your enemy. They’re someone you’re fighting against.

But if you can approach your partner with even a little bit of curiosity, conflict becomes an opportunity to understand them better. That’s because conflict, at its core, reflects a basic, neutral fact: Our partners are not us. A relationship involves two individuals with diverse backgrounds, hopes, worldviews, and fears.

“Conflict has a goal: mutual understanding,” the Gottmans explain. “Without conflict, without fighting, we would not be able to understand each other fully or love each other fully.”

Think of conflict as an indicator light. When it turns on, it’s simply a reminder that you and your partner don’t see things in the same way. This moment is a great opportunity to get to know them better. If you can understand conflict as a chance to learn something new, then you can fight together toward a deeper, more connected relationship.

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Jennifer and Dave first met in the fall of 2010, when a mutual friend invited them to a Minneapolis brewpub. They soon became a couple. When Dave shared his autism diagnosis with Jennifer, she responded with curiosity.

“One of the first things I did when Dave told me he is a person with autism is to learn more about it,” she recalls. She also notes that “there wasn’t a lot of information out there at the time.”

Dave is aware that his autism affects his relationships. “My personal feeling is that autism is sort of similar to how nearsightedness works,” he explains. “You can still see when you’re nearsighted, but everything’s out of focus. I can tell when someone is sad or angry or happy; it’s just that the details are fuzzy.”

This fuzziness around the details can be challenging for a romantic partner. “A good example is during our second Christmas together,” Jennifer says. “I got Dave a present, and he had nothing for me. I was upset and hurt by that. When we got home from my parents’ house, he could tell I was upset. I finally asked him, ‘Why didn’t you get me anything?’ And he said, ‘I didn’t know what to get.’ I told him I was dropping clues.”

Dave remembers his response. “I was like, ‘There were clues?’”

Jennifer and Dave aren’t alone. Many couples are challenged by their different styles of relating, and when one or both partners is neurodivergent, those differences can feel insurmountable. Yet with patience, curiosity, and mutual respect, these couples can develop a common language. And for some, their differences make them even stronger.

Neurodivergence and Neurodiversity

Neurodivergence is a nonmedical term. It simply means operating with a brain that works differently from the average or “neurotypical” person. One could reasonably argue that there’s no standard brain against which all others can be compared, but there do appear to be patterns of perception and behavior fitting a “neurotypical” description, as well as patterns that diverge from it with some consistency.

Neurodiversity is also a nonmedical term; it acknowledges the neurological spectrum without pathologizing differences between neurotypes. Australian sociologist Judy Singer first coined the term in the 1990s to describe autism; it now encompasses attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Tourette’s syndrome, synesthesia, dyslexia, and more. Singer’s contributions helped shift the thinking about neurological differences away from a deficit-based model and toward a strength-based approach.

Other social and cultural factors — such as race, gender, class, sexual orientation, age, and age of diagnosis — also play a role in how a person with neurodivergence experiences the world, and how others perceive them.

For example, children with autism who are Black are more likely to be wrongly diagnosed with conduct disorder than their white counterparts, which can reinforce cultural stereotypes of Black kids as troublemakers. This can affect how these children function in relationships, including with their intimate partners, when they reach adulthood.

“When an individual is neurodivergent, they are likely to see the world, think, and communicate in a different manner than someone who is considered neurotypical,” says Nicole Knowlton, AMFT, a relationship therapist who specializes in working with neurologically mixed couples. A neurodivergent person might avoid parties, for example, if overstimulation is an issue for them. Or if they have trouble managing impulsivity, they may tend to interrupt others in conversation.

In addition to impulsivity and sensory overwhelm, other neurodivergent patterns that may create partnership challenges include attention issues — which can include both distraction and hyperfocus — as well as difficulty with reading nonverbal cues, such as Dave missing Jennifer’s hints about Christmas gifts.

In tandem with these challenges, neurodivergent people often possess singular strengths. A person with dyslexia, for example, may struggle to process written language but be better at visualizing three-dimensional objects. This might allow them to excel at tasks involving art, engineering, design, and more. An inclination toward hyperfocus and an ability for unconventional thinking can also be a real gift, especially when it comes to creativity.

In short, there’s nothing deficient about neurodivergence.

“It’s a benefit to have a systematized way of describing the ways our brains are different,” says Emily Nagoski, PhD, author of Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections. “[It] allows us to make space for and understand each other.”

Nagoski, who was diagnosed with autism as an adult, has written about how her neurodivergence may have contributed to her career as a sex educator. She points out that she has always been comfortable discussing sex in detail — without falling back on cutesiness or innuendo — something she says neurotypical people often feel too self-conscious to do.

When Different Neurotypes Fall in Love

Jennifer and Dave are a “neurologically mixed” couple. In these cases, one partner is neurotypical while the other is neurodivergent, or both people are neurodivergent but in different ways.

“If you have a relationship with two brains in it, you have a neurodiverse relationship,” says Nagoski. “But a neurodivergent brain is different from typical brains in important ways.”

These differences can have a real impact on how neurodivergent people navigate their social relationships.

Every couple struggles with communication from time to time, but in neurologically mixed relationships, conflicts often arise because of differences in how each partner processes information. This can lead to both partners feeling misunderstood.

For example, it may be difficult for the neurotypical partner to understand how much effort is required for their neurodivergent partner to, say, go to the grocery store. The neurotypical person might find that errand inconvenient, while the neurodivergent partner might have to prepare for the bright lights, loud noises, and small talk at the register — all of which can overload their circuits.

“It is also common for the neurodivergent partner to feel like they have to explain themselves constantly, which leads to hypervigilance, guilt, and shame,” explains therapist Yolanda Renteria, LPC, NCC. “This … leads to a dynamic where both partners feel on edge whenever conflict arises.”

This dynamic can also leave neurodivergent partners feeling like their partner doesn’t understand or appreciate them. Meanwhile, neurotypical partners may feel frustrated, let down, or like they are the only ones who compromise.

6 Ways to Overcome Common Conflicts

Neurologically mixed relationships often feature challenges with communication, emotional regulation, and coparenting. These suggestions can help you navigate differences with compassion and acceptance.

1) Practice nondefensive communication.

Because of differences in how they understand the world, partners in neurologically mixed relationships often feel misunderstood. This is a recipe for defensiveness.

“If one partner has ADHD and is often distracted or forgetful, a partner who functions in a more neurotypical way may interpret forgetfulness as a sign of lack of caring and love, and go straight to hurt, anger, and resentment,” says therapist Michele Michaelson, LMFT.

This can snowball quickly. “If the forgetful partner is then accused of not caring, they may go straight to defensiveness and feel hopelessly misunderstood,” she adds. “And if each partner gets stuck in thinking that their interpretation of their partner is the ‘correct’ one, and they stop listening to each other, then they can end up in a sad and disconnected place.”

To minimize the tendency to jump to conclusions, practice clear and direct communication, especially when discussing sensitive topics. State what you want and need in unambiguous, impersonal terms that require no decoding: “I would like these bike panniers for my birthday.” “Please pick up cat food on your way home from work.”

Depending on your communication styles, you might also agree to conversational ground rules, such as taking turns speaking and setting a time limit on how long discussions will last.

If face-to-face conversations are difficult for the neurodivergent partner, writing letters to one another may help. This is a clear way to communicate needs without eye contact.

Research has shown that the brains of people with autism have higher-than-normal activity in pathways that process facial expressions when making eye contact; written communication can alleviate the stress of trying to “read” another person.

2) Ask questions.

Curiosity can be a powerful tool for overcoming defensiveness. It can also help you work through disagreements and reframe some of your partner’s behaviors.

Sometimes we assume our partners are trying to make our lives harder, Nagoski says. “You could continue to think that. Or you could ask your partner, ‘What’s going on with this?’”

Curiosity frees us from our negative assumptions and creates new avenues for exploration.

One of the superpowers of neurologically mixed relationships is how they can help us widen our perspectives, open our minds, and realize how much we don’t know about our partners. “The benefits include the feeling of going outside of one’s own little bubble to truly care for a unique and worthy human being in your partner,” Michaelson says.

In neurodiverse relationships, especially when partners have different neurotypes, it takes intentional effort to understand one another. Cultivating curiosity can help. Laurie Budlong-Morse, LMFT, recommends the following prompts to help guide you toward meaningful conversations with your partner:

• Ask yourself: What is one strength of my brain that I appreciate?
• Ask your partner: “What is one thing about my brain you’d like to better understand?”

You can also ask questions about your partner’s motivations, insecurities, and expectations — and share yours. Writing down the answers for future reference may also be helpful.

3) Focus on your partner’s strengths.

Another tool for navigating conflict is to remind yourself what you appreciate about your partner, including those aspects that may stem directly from their neurotype. It helps if you share your appreciation with them too: Not only does this offer you both some positive reinforcement, but it also helps reframe some of your mutual challenges in a more neutral light — or even a positive one.

“My husband’s loyalty and his creativity are both facets of his neurotype — ADHD — and his personality,” Nagoski explains. “His loyalty extends not just to me but to every object we own, and he struggles with keeping things longer than we need them.”

She prefers fewer things in their shared space, so his attachment to objects can present a challenge for her. Yet she’s also able to see how it connects to the loyalty she appreciates in him. “If I can reframe his clutter as he’s kindly loyal to the objects we bring in the house, then I no longer feel like there’s all this stuff all over my house.”

4) Use fights as growth opportunities.

In a neurodiverse relationship, your partner will almost always interpret experiences differently from you, often in ways you may not be able to fully understand. This can easily lead to conflict. These moments may be unpleasant, but they can also be key opportunities to get to know each other better, which can strengthen your bond.

“In a relationship, we’re always writing and rewriting the ‘instruction manual of me’ and giving insight into what we need, like, don’t like, and how we feel loved,” Michaelson says. “We learn about what needs to be in the instruction manual through trial and error. That’s why fights are an opportunity to learn.”

Michaelson suggests asking yourself the following questions when misunderstandings and fights occur:

• What went wrong? 
• What did I not understand? 
• What did my partner not understand? 
• How can we both do things differently in the future to connect a little better?

5) Take time to process.

Because sensory and emotional overwhelm are common challenges for many neurodivergent people, taking a break when emotions run high can help you resolve conflicts more quickly with less damage. Some neurotypes may need physical time away to regulate and may feel reluctant to reengage lest they become dysregulated again. This reluctance can lead to unresolved issues, increased resentments, and disconnection that worsens over time, Knowlton says.

Neurodivergence can also make it harder to take space during conflict, especially if it elicits feelings of abandonment and escalates emotions. Many neurodivergent people have attachment issues, even if they grew up in otherwise loving families. A neurotypical parent may not understand, for example, why their child doesn’t routinely make eye contact with them. This can lead to trouble with bonding.

To help couples create a time-out process that supports reconnection, Knowlton uses a tool developed by neurodiverse couples specialist Harry Motro, PsyD, LMFT. These time-out plans may involve agreeing upon a specified amount of time apart for you both to process the conversation and your emotions. It can also involve creating points of connection during the time-out, such as sending check-in text messages, writing emails, or making short phone calls.

These agreements allow you to stay connected with your partner as you both process your emotions and regulate your nervous systems. Especially for neurodiverse couples, time-out plans can offer a faster route to resolution than continuing to dig in your heels.

6) Seek professional support.

Don’t underestimate the challenge of your neurological differences. A therapist who has experience working with neurodiverse couples can help you solve present challenges and avoid others before they develop and become entrenched. Understanding how your partner processes information and emotions is the first step toward honoring your differences and learning to set realistic expectations.

“Learning to communicate in an open-minded, respectful way isn’t difficult,” Michaelson says, “but it is a skill that we need to learn and cultivate if we weren’t raised with good models.”

The Gift of Difference

One of the most difficult aspects of neurodiverse relationships may be their propensity for conflict and misunderstanding. This can also be one of their greatest strengths.

Differences with our partners can be terrific motivation to overcome our own limitations. Jennifer seized her moment of Christmas disappointment to learn to change how she communicates with Dave — and everyone else in her life. Like many people, her communication style reflected what she learned growing up.

“I was 40 and realizing I didn’t know how to ask people for things,” she says. “Instead of saying, ‘It’d be nice if someone took out the trash,’ I’ve had to learn to say, ‘Dave, can you take out the trash today?’ and he’s often like, ‘Yeah, I can actually do that right now!’”

This change is good for both of them. Jennifer gets her needs met, and her directness frees Dave from the anxiety of not knowing what to do. “It’s 100 percent honesty all the time, and I’m here for that,” she says.

Dave has made his own transformative changes, including addressing childhood trauma with the help of a therapist. “As I got older and more comfortable, things were coming up that my body was registering as danger,” he says. “I was dealing with them with what my therapist calls ‘maladaptive coping mechanisms,’ like drinking and smoking.”

Today he’s replaced drinking and smoking with self-care strategies like drinking plenty of water and getting enough good sleep.

The couple still has off days, but they know they’re in each other’s corner. “When people tell me that Dave needs to do something the way everyone else does,” Jennifer says, “I tell them, ‘Nah, I don’t think so.’”

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Understanding the most common roadblocks to talking about sex can help you identify them — and navigate around them.

The mother of all obstacles may be the expectation that great sex should just happen. “When I ask people to describe their ideal sex life, the most common word I hear is ‘natural,’ ” explains Vanessa Marin, LMFT, coauthor with her husband, Xander Marin, of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life. “We crave that feeling of effortlessness we’ve witnessed on the screen countless times. Except that’s not how it unfolds in our own relationships.”

“Part of the reason we fear these conversations so much [. . .] is because we’ve bought into the story that if you have to talk about sex, that already means there’s something wrong.”

Our culture supports this illusion at every turn. Few of us ever learn how to talk with a partner about sex. As adolescents, we might get the “sex talk” from our parents or a slightly embarrassed health teacher, but those conversations tend to focus on disease and pregnancy prevention. Topics like pleasure and desire — let alone how to know (and share) what makes you feel good — are rarely addressed in any curriculum.

Hollywood stories about sex and romance don’t help. In many movies, TV shows, and books, physical intimacy is depicted as seamless. Vanessa and Xander Marin dub this the “fairy-tale version” of sex and relationships, in which sex always unfolds spontaneously and effortlessly, couples have instant chemistry, both people experience maximum pleasure from intercourse, and everyone is satisfied.

There are also other common misunderstandings that get in the way of discussing sex openly.

1) Talking about sex signals a problem. One common misconception is that the very act of talking about sex means you are somehow doing sex wrong. “Part of the reason we fear these conversations so much — either beginning them or hearing our partner begin them — is because we’ve bought into the story that if you have to talk about sex, that already means there’s something wrong,” says Emily Nagoski, PhD, author of Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. “We have this idea that sex is supposed to be easy and quote-unquote natural, right? And just the fact of having to discuss it is evidence of our failure.”

2) You’ll hurt your partner’s feelings. Another stumbling block is the fear of upsetting your partner. “We have a tendency to assume that if we talk about something we want, or if there’s something new we want to try, our partner will automatically think it’s about them,” says sex educator Logan Levkoff, PhD.

It’s a justifiable fear. Because we grow up steeped in the fantasy that our self-worth is connected to our ability to be naturally, irreproachably amazing at physical intimacy, any hint that we’re not (even if it has nothing to do with us!) can trigger our defenses.

“If you dare say something as benign as ‘a little faster, a little lighter, a little to the left,’ there’s a risk you could hurt your partner’s feelings, making them feel criticized and judged, when all you’re trying to do is advocate for your own pleasure,” says Nagoski.

3) We don’t know what we want. For many of us, advocating for our own pleasure is impossible because we don’t really know what feels good. “I think there’s a huge roadblock when it comes to believing that your pleasure and your needs matter enough,” says sex and relationship therapist Carise Rotach, MA, LMFT.

Because sexual activity for pleasure and connection is rarely discussed in sex education, we may grow up believing that the pleasure part of the equation isn’t worth investigating. Cultural shame around sex and pleasure takes care of the rest. We don’t explore what makes us feel good because we’ve internalized the cultural message that doing so is wrong or bad.

4) It feels too risky. The familiar rhythms of daily life can also get in the way. As relationships progress, routine takes hold, says Levkoff. “That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but if at some point you’re looking for something else, it’s hard to get out of those patterns when they’ve come to feel so safe. And if you do work up the courage to shake up your routine, it can feel vulnerable and risky.”

Any of these obstacles can discourage us from talking about sex. “The mistake most people make when it comes to talking about sex is we don’t do it,” says Vanessa Marin. “We wait until something is really bad or wrong or frustrating with our sex life and, at that point, it just all comes spilling out and it’s very uncomfortable. If it turns into a fight, it just reinforces this idea that sex is something that we shouldn’t talk about.”

On the other hand, if you can find a way to communicate regularly about sex with your partner, those feelings, concerns, and curiosities don’t get all bottled up and mixed with resentment, which makes them much less likely to explode.

To learn more about initiating a conversation with your partner on this important yet often avoided subject, see “How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner,” from which this was excerpted.

The post Why It’s <em>So</em> Difficult to Talk About Sex appeared first on Experience Life.

To determine whether sexual activity checks the workout box, researchers at the University of Almería and University of Murcia in Spain analyzed the results of 18 studies on the topic.

It turns out, the results are murky — not least because the studies primarily involved committed, usually married, heterosexual couples. In some studies, couples wore trackers (such as a heart-rate monitor); in others, the couples were filmed. The subjects’ sexual exertions were usually observed in a lab, but occasionally the acts took place in the subjects’ homes. Duration was defined as starting with foreplay and ending with the male orgasm.

Despite the varying methods, the researchers found some notable patterns. Their results, published in 2022 in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, showed that a bout of carnal activity potentially burns up to 100 calories per session and raises the heart rate up to an average of 90 to 130 beats per minute — roughly what you’d get from a nine-minute moderately paced cardio session.

That said, those numbers varied widely depending on factors like health status, intercourse position, and activity duration.

All in all, “sexual activity can cause physical demands of moderate or even vigorous intensity,” says José Muyor, MS, PhD, a professor at the University of Almería’s Health Research Centre, who led the review.

The keyword here is can. Just because a bout of intercourse can raise your heart rate almost as much as a jog doesn’t mean it will — nor does it mean you should equate the two.

Our advice? Don’t worry about logging sex as exercise (as tempting as the “start a workout” function on your smartwatch might be) and enjoy the experience for what it hopefully is: pleasurable, passionate, and maybe even a little goofy.

For more on this topic, visit “4 Ways Exercise Makes Sex Better” from which this article was excerpted from.

The post Is Sex Exercise? appeared first on Experience Life.

Almost no one starts out feeling comfortable talking about sex, not even sex therapists.

“I had a very conservative Baptist upbringing,” says sex and relationship therapist Carise Rotach, MA, LMFT. “When I was training to become a sex therapist, I had to confront my own roadblocks to talking about it. I’m like the Hair Club for Men guy. The president of the club appears in their commercials and says, ‘I’m not just the president, I’m also a client!’ Well, that’s me.”

Still, we can acquire the necessary skills to initiate meaningful conversations with a partner about sex — and then we can practice and perfect those skills. This expert advice can help you get those conversations rolling.

1) Get in touch with your desires.

There’s that classic bedroom moment: You’re in the middle of a passionate embrace and your partner whispers and says: “What do you want?” “A lot of people will just freeze up and think, I have no friggin’ idea what I want!” says Vanessa Marin, LMFT, coauthor with her husband, Xander Marin, of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life..

Until you’re in touch with your own desires, any conversation you initiate with your partner about sex probably won’t be productive. You’re likely to approach them with sky-high expectations and zero specifics, which sets up both parties to lose.

It’s OK to take some time with yourself first. “A lot of us never take the time to explore our own curiosities and interests because we feel so much shame,” Marin says. “Exploring your desires is a really powerful process, even if you’re not in a relationship, in order to discover more about yourself and what makes you tick.”

If you feel unclear about your own desires, take some time to learn about what interests you. Use books and movies to spur your imagination. Try making a list of three things you know you like, no matter how small, and build from there.

2) Make a date to have a conversation about sex.

Because discussing sex can bring up so many anxieties, one way to ease into it is to schedule a conversation. Simply propose the idea of talking about your intimate life together, then set up a time to do so. Having a plan allows you to ensure that you’ll be in a comfortable, private place; it also increases the chance that you’ll follow through.

If you feel nervous, be honest about it by saying something like, “So, I’m feeling a little nervous to bring this up, but I really value our intimate life together — I’d love to pick a time to talk about ways we could make it even better.” (Here are nine open-ended questions to ask your partner about sex and intimacy to help you get started.)

3) Lower the stakes.

All our insecurities, vulnerabilities, and fears tend to crop up around the topic of sex, which can make any conversation about it feel existentially risky for the relationship. It can help to make a pact with your partner before you talk. Vow that your relationship will be safe, even if the conversation gets thorny.

“One of the most important things we can do is let go of the idea that everything is at stake and remind ourselves that solid relationships do not end because of a sexual difficulty,” says Emily Nagoski, PhD, author of Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. “You’re not going to lose each other just because you had a difficult conversation about sex.”

4) Simply acknowledge that you and your partner are in a sexual relationship.

Just saying this out loud can be an easy way to begin your first conversation. “You’re not making any complaints,” says Marin. “You’re not trying to solve any problems. You’re literally just getting comfortable with the topic.”

As you begin to have more in-depth conversations about sex, try sticking with a single topic at a time to keep it simple. If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, be ready to take breaks. A slow-and-steady approach can help make the topic feel less overwhelming.

5) Accept the awkwardness.

“It seems strange, on some level, that you can be more comfortable having sex with someone than you are talking about sex with that same someone,” says Nagoski. “Taking off your clothes is less intimate than having a face-to-face conversation about taking off your clothes.”

“Taking off your clothes is less intimate than having a face-to-face conversation about taking off your clothes.”

The best way to deal with any awkwardness may be to expose it to the light of day. “Just own the awkwardness right from the start,” suggests sex educator Logan Levkoff, PhD. “You could say something like, ‘I haven’t spoken about this in a really long time, and I’m uncomfortable even bringing it up, but I adore you and I’m excited to have this conversation.’”

6) Frame the conversation as a way to deepen your relationship — because it is!

Having the courage to initiate a conversation about sex signals how much you value the relationship and care about making it better. If your partner becomes insecure or defensive, you can remind them that you’re starting a conversation not because something is wrong, but because your feelings for them are oh-so right. “If we’re talking about sex, it usually means we want more of it with that person,” says Levkoff.

7) See yourselves as a team.

“One of the best things you can do for your relationship is think of you and your partner as teammates, working together against whatever is getting in the way of having the sex life of your wildest dreams,” the Marins write.

Need a foe to fight against? The fairy-tale version of sex and romance is a worthy adversary — and can be a lighthearted place to begin. When you and your partner stand up against it, you’ll feel a camaraderie that can help make your conversations easier and less fraught.

8) Keep it personal and positive.

Because it’s easy to slip into insecurity and defensiveness during any conversation about sex, Nagoski suggests using “I” statements and opening and closing conversations softly — that is, with compliments, positivity, and affirmation. Statements might be something like the following:

Here’s what I really loved about last night . . .

I really love our physical connection and I’m interested in doing everything we can to make the most of it . . .

I love you so much, and I’m so attracted to you that I’d love to try something new together . . . 

I trust you so much that there are a couple things I’d like to try together . . . 

“We are all so tender and sensitive around these issues that we need to put an effort into active kindness and buffering and making sure the other person knows this isn’t personal,” explains Nagoski. “This isn’t a judgment of them as a human being.”

9) Process negative feelings separately.

Feeling some resentment or frustration around sex is normal, but leading a conversation about sex with these sentiments is likely to shut communication down. Nagoski suggests addressing hurt feelings in their own separate space. If you’re struggling with anger or resentment toward your partner about sex, find a trusted therapist who can help you work through it.

10) Ask questions.

Over time, we may start to assume that we know what we like, what our partner likes, and what we like to do together. But sexuality isn’t static. Interests can change over time, so it’s important to stay curious.

This applies to sex and sexuality, of course, but it also helps to remain interested in your partner — and your partnership — in their entirety. “We forget that there are other conversations that get us to the sexual-intimacy conversation,” says Levkoff.

Try asking questions about new adventures you’d like to share with your partner — traveling or playing pickleball or ballroom dancing. Remember that play and adventure also help infuse relationships with a sense of eroticism.

11) Expand your definition of sex and sexuality.

Mainstream culture sells us primarily one image, and one image only, of sex. “When someone says they haven’t had sex in a while, we somehow all understand that they’re talking about a specific act,” says Rotach. “But my definition of sex is different than yours is different than your neighbor’s.”

What’s more, as our bodies and interests change, our old definitions of sex might no longer work for us. Expanding how we define physical intimacy can make talking about it less fraught, as we realize we have a range of choices. “It can be touching. It can be taking a bath together,” Rotach points out. “I encourage couples to define what sex means for them.”

What might sex look like if you expand your definition of it? Well, it can look like anything you and your partner want. Even if you like the fairy-tale version, it’s worth asking what else you can permit yourselves to explore.

12) Put energy into your own social life — and encourage your partner to do the same.

Whole people are sexy people. “Having a social life outside your romantic partner is really important,” says Levkoff. “It’s important to be able to go out and have fun and remember who you are outside of whatever life stage you’re in — just going out and having a pressure-less good time.” Platonic interactions and adventures also help us build self-esteem and embrace joy, two key elements in any productive, loving conversation about sex. “We bring that back to our relationship because we’re feeling good about ourselves,” Levkoff says.

13) Keep the conversation going.

Once you’ve begun discussing sex with your partner, it will get easier over time. Just make sure you pace yourselves to avoid overwhelm, and don’t let the topic return to the back burner. Sex and sexuality will inevitably evolve, so any good conversation about sex will be an ongoing one.

“Real, actual human sexuality is seasonal,” says Rotach. “It regenerates and goes through phases. That’s normal. We’ve been taught that sexuality is sort of an autopilot thing, and that’s where we get into trouble.”

To learn more about initiating a conversation with your partner on this important yet often avoided subject, see “How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner,” the article from which this was excerpted.

The post 13 Ways to Start the Conversation About Sex appeared first on Experience Life.

My husband and I scanned the calendar for a weekend to make our late-winter escape. After months of Minnesota ice and snow, we were ready to get away — just the two of us. But with a busy teenager and a new puppy at home (and no immediate family nearby to help), we felt our options were limited.

A long weekend in the tropics was out, we conceded. But perhaps a quick trip close to home would spark a little romance.

We agreed that our teenager and pooch could stay home alone for two nights. With neighbors standing by for emergencies, we booked a stay at Grand View Lodge, just a few hours away in Nisswa, Minn.

Grand View’s pine lodge is on the National Register of Historic Places. And though the resort’s primary website image shows it in the height of summer, I could easily imagine it cloaked in white, fireplaces roaring. Adding to the cuddle-up vibe of the place, the dates we chose happened to be the resort’s annual de’Vine Wine and Culinary Weekend.

Soon we were booked for a six-course dinner paired with Italian wines on Friday evening, an afternoon of food-and-wine seminars on Saturday, a “Grand Tasting” event on Saturday night, and a champagne brunch on Sunday.

We wouldn’t have much alone time with this package, we realized. But we love food and wine, and we enjoy socializing and meeting new people. So, we agreed to be each other’s dates and looked forward to whatever the weekend held.

That anticipation is a key ingredient in a romantic getaway, notes Maggie Reyes, a marriage coach and author of the book Questions for Couples Journal. “Just putting a trip on the calendar and saying, ‘We’re going away now,’ gives you something to look forward to together,” she says. “There’s research that shows planning and anticipating a vacation creates as much positive emotion as being on vacation.”

And though my husband and I were no longer anticipating an adventure sans coats and gloves, we did look forward to a change of scenery.

“We get into our routines — we go to the same place for dinner, the same movie theater, the same bowling alley. We stop doing new things,” says Reyes. “Going on vacation, even a weekend getaway — even a one-day getaway in your own city — releases chemicals in your body related to newness. Heading out as a couple is a way to re-create that initial connection physiologically.”

What’s in the Way of Your Getaway?

Though we travel a few times a year to visit family, my husband and I seldom vacation by ourselves. We could argue that we’re busy with work, that we’re on a tight budget, or that we can’t just abandon our obligations. But beneath such logistical problems lie unexamined and unchallenged beliefs about what’s most important, argues Reyes.

“Very often we prioritize our careers or our children or our commitments, and we forget to prioritize our relationship,” she says. “But when we take care of ourselves and our relationship, then we have the energy, the love, the generosity, and the kindness to deal with all the other commitments.”

Reyes says some partners resist planning a vacation if there are unresolved issues between them. But lingering drama doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy each other, and the getaway might actually move your relationship forward.

“So many people stop themselves from having fun today because they have some big thing they have to solve from yesterday,” says Reyes. “One of the things that could help you get through whatever you’re struggling with is spending positive, unstructured time together.”

Make Your Getaway Great

There are no rules for a romantic getaway — you and your partner get to decide what turns on the romance and brings you closer together. That said, consider some of these suggestions for planning a getaway that may be just right for you two, right now.

Explore shared passions.

When planning your getaway, talk to your sweetie about the things that interest you both. Are you golfers? Art aficionados? Mountain-bike adventurers? Sci-fi lovers?

Organize at least part of your escape around these shared interests.

Though my husband and I chanced upon our culinary weekend getaway, it worked out great in this respect: He’s a foodie and I’m a grateful eater of his cooking, so we hung around after presentations to ask the chefs about ingredients and techniques. I had fun watching him geek out a bit, and I’m excited about new dishes that may appear on our menu at home.

Give each other space.

A romantic getaway doesn’t have to mean one-on-one time for days on end. “There’s nothing wrong with doing something on your own during the day, and then having a special dinner where you share your day with each other,” says Tamara Lidbom, owner of Anytime Travel Agency. Lidbom often works with newlyweds, and she encourages them to explore individual interests on their honeymoons. “There are many times in life when you’ll have to navigate separate time,” she says. “It’s a good building experience to do something on your own and then come together and share with each other.”

Embrace spontaneity.

Don’t feel pressured to plan every moment of your itinerary. Sometimes the most memorable moments are unscheduled. My husband and I spent two weeks in Taiwan for our honeymoon (evidence that we can make farther-flung vacations happen if properly motivated). The afternoon we just walked around Taipei visiting the places my Chinese-major husband had lived, worked, and studied (including his favorite noodle houses) was a honeymoon highlight.

Looking back to our jam-packed wine-tasting weekend, we might have done spontaneity better. Next time we’ll leave an afternoon open to explore the resort or check out nearby towns.

Let go of perfection.

“Thinking that a getaway has to look a certain way before you can have fun is one of the biggest traps you can fall into,” warns Reyes. You might miss a flight connection. You might not get the suite you booked. Your favorite museum or restaurant might close. It might rain on your cruise. “We went on a cruise for Christmas that we’d looked forward to all year, and it rained every day except one,” recalls Reyes. “Most of the ports were canceled and we couldn’t be at the pool, either.”

In these situations, Reyes recommends asking yourself, What’s here for me to enjoy?

“We decided, ‘Hey, we’re on a ship! It’s a beautiful place, and we’re with each other. Let’s enjoy this!’”

Think small.

Two nights at a resort close to home may seem short and sweet, but you can eke out an even shorter (but still enjoyable!) getaway in or near your own town.

Take an afternoon off or block a couple hours on the weekend to indulge in a spa day or a bookstore date. Rent bikes and pretend you’re out-of-towners. Go on a brewery tour or visit a museum. Pitch a tent in your own back yard. Once you start looking for novel experiences, it becomes easier to reignite those relationship sparks and welcome the romance.

While much of our getaway was spent in the company of others, my husband and I were indeed able to reconnect. If anything, the busy, social nature of the wine-and-dine weekend made alone time each evening a kind of homecoming where we could appreciate how comfortable we are together and how much fun we can have when we set the daily obligations aside for a while.

The post Romantic Escapes appeared first on Experience Life.

From a young age, Vanessa Marin, LMFT, was sure of two things: She wanted to help people become more comfortable talking about sex and she wanted to write a book.

“My motivation for going into sex therapy stemmed from my parents’ version of ‘the talk,’ ” Marin says. “I was 11 or 12 years old, riding in my family’s minivan, when my mom looked at me uncomfortably in the rearview mirror and said, ‘If you have any questions about . . . you know . . . sex . . . you can ask.’

“It was clear to me, though, that she really meant, ‘Please, don’t ask us anything about sex; we don’t want to talk about it,’ ” Marin recalls, laughing.

“But I did have a lot of questions. I was very curious about sex, and I didn’t understand why it was bad to talk about. And as I got older, I realized that moment was sticking with me for a reason.”

Marin decided to pursue a career as a psychotherapist, specializing in sex therapy. “I was working as a traditional therapist, but I wanted to do more,” she says. “I wanted to be able to broadly share the tools and techniques I was developing, so I started building out guides and courses online.”

Marin’s online business flourished, and her dream of writing a book became a reality in early 2023 with the release of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, which became a New York Times bestseller. She also cohosts the Pillow Talks podcast with her husband, Xander Marin, and the couple has a loyal social media following where they share stories and advice about sex and relationships.

We connected with Vanessa to discuss her and Xander’s mission to help couples build intimacy and improve their sex lives.

Experience Life | You always knew you wanted to work in sex therapy — and you now partner with your husband, Xander, for much of your work. How did you two decide to start working together?

Vanessa Marin | Xander saw me building my online business and started to get a bit curious, so I enlisted his help, which slowly morphed into a partnership. Originally, he was doing more of the behind-the-scenes work. But I started to get this nagging feeling that I wanted him to come in front of the camera with me.

He was resistant at first; he didn’t think he was qualified. But I kept telling him that was the point. I thought it would be a nice balance to provide the perspectives of both the expert and the everyday, regular dude. It took me a couple years to convince him, but we eventually started creating content together around the beginning of 2021.

The responses were so positive, and we knew we had to keep going in that direction. Xander and I have had our own ups and downs in our sex lives, and as we got more comfortable, we started sharing more of those stories.

When it comes to sex, we have this tendency to feel alone — like we’re the only person struggling or like something must be wrong with us. Hearing someone say “We’ve been there too, and here’s what we did” can be so valuable.

EL | How did creating your online business and partnering with Xander lead to this next step in your career — writing a book?

VM | The book comes back to the idea of communication around sex. So many people find it uncomfortable to talk about sex even with the person with whom they are having sex. You might be googling secret questions, but the advice you find usually ends with “just talk to your partner,” and that can leave people feeling even more lost.

I wanted to make this generic advice more practical and specific, so Xander and I boiled it down into five conversations. Readers can expect to be guided through these conversations step by step: acknowledgement, connection, desire, pleasure, and exploration. Ultimately, you’ll understand why talking about sex with your partner is not only necessary but incredibly important for building intimacy.

Some of my favorite feedback we’ve gotten is that the book is so much more fun than people thought it would be. You might expect it to be anxiety inducing, but we worked hard to make it feel playful.

EL | Let’s talk a little more about building intimacy. Why do so many couples find it hard to talk openly and honestly about sex?

VM | We just don’t see any examples of it. If you think of any sex scene in a movie or on TV, you never see characters talking to each other about the sex they’re having — or not having. We can’t help but think that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Many of us also have this idea that If I’m with the right person, if it’s really the right fit, we shouldn’t need to have these conversations. And that’s so not true. We all need to have these conversations. So, it’s important for people to not beat themselves up for struggling because where have we ever had the opportunity to learn how to talk about sex?

EL | What role does an individual’s knowledge of and comfort with their own sexuality play in a relationship?

VM | It plays a huge role. That’s why the entire first section of Sex Talks is all about you — helping you understand your relationship with sex, your desires, your curiosities, your boundaries. We need to have that knowledge of ourselves before we can share it with our partner, and so few of us take the time to do that self-exploration. What does it mean to me to have an amazing sex life?

So that first part is all about exploring and understanding what it is that you’re wanting so that you and your partner can get on the same page and work toward that together.

EL | As a relationship goes through life changes and stages, what can a couple do to stay connected and keep building intimacy?

VM | People always ask us, “How do we get the spark back?” The early stages of dating seemed so easy and effortless, but the reality is you were likely putting in a lot of effort. You were putting your best foot forward: spending time getting ready for your dates, making fun plans, being intentional about carving out time.

Then we get into a relationship, and we completely let off the gas. So having that mindset shift is incredibly powerful. Nothing’s wrong with you or the relationship if you’re not feeling that spark — it’s just a reminder that we need to keep putting that effort in and making time to connect.

When life gets busy, it’s tempting to put your relationship at the bottom of your to-do list. But if you can focus on nurturing your relationship for just a couple minutes a day, you may find that life feels a lot easier. We get into relationships to have someone on our team or on our side to help us get through. As a team, you can operate so much more efficiently.

EL | Through your podcast and social media content, you end up giving a lot of your work away for free. Why is making this type of content easily accessible so essential to your mission?

VM | Since so few resources are available on these types of topics, it was another core value for us to make our content accessible. I believe that great sex is our human right, and one of the main reasons I’m in this field stems from my own experiences of struggling to find accurate and helpful resources. As a society, we’ve started talking more openly about sex in the last five or 10 years, which is great. But at the same time, a lot of the conversations are surface level. There’s still a lot of generic advice. We believe that everybody is deserving of these in-depth resources, tools, and conversations.

EL | How does your team account for and acknowledge differences in gender, gender identities, and sexual orientation in your work?

VM | We identified inclusivity as one of our company’s core values early on. We’ve always been invested in making our content as inclusive as possible by continually learning more about different perspectives and experiences. We recognize that we’re always going to have blind spots, but starting with that intention and hiring a diverse team was crucial for us. We lean on our team members as well as our community to share their diverse perspectives with us so we can integrate them into our practice.

EL | With everything you’ve accomplished so far, what’s next for your team?

VM | I have about a million ideas in me! I just love creating guides, courses, and experiences for couples, so we want to continue building that out. We’d love to eventually be a one-stop shop for all your sex and relationship needs, helping with any curiosity, challenge, or question you might have.

The post Pillow Talk: A Q&A With Sex Therapist Vanessa Marin appeared first on Experience Life.

Other than eating and breathing, sex is probably the most universal human experience. Yet many of us feel uncomfortable discussing sex and avoid communicating sexual needs with our partner (if we’re even fully aware of those needs in the first place). As a result, disconnection and dissatisfaction fester and, over time, may turn into resentment, which ironically can make intimacy even more challenging.

Enter sex therapy. A distinct specialization within the mental health field, sex therapy provides safe opportunities for both partnered and nonpartnered people to understand their desires and boundaries, improve communication and connection, and, well, enjoy great sex.

To be clear, there is no standard definition of “great sex.” Some couples are content to have intercourse only once in a while, some thrive on frequent sex, and still others feel satisfied with other, purely affectionate forms of intimacy. So long as both parties feel safe communicating their needs and voicing their consent, great sex can mean whatever you want it to.

Why We Need to Talk About Sex

We absorb all kinds of messages about sex. Depending on when and where you were born, how you were raised, and what kinds of religious, family, community, and media influences you were exposed to, you may have learned to see sex as something sacred, dangerous, shameful, not to be discussed in polite conversation, or some combination of the above.

And while gender stereotypes (and the concept of gender itself) have been evolving, pernicious stigmas remain. Women may learn to view their sexual selves as a mysterious collection of parts “down there,” and are taught little of their anatomical atlas (let alone how a partner should navigate it).

Men may learn to view sex as a casual act, or through a quantitative lens — how many inches they boast, how many minutes they can last — which may lead to a goal-oriented, performance-based mindset rife for spurring feelings of inadequacy or, at worst, for harming others.

“People often think they don’t need to discuss sexual compatibility with their partner,” Divine contends. And when the topic does arise, insecurities, fears we might hurt our partner’s feelings, or simply a lack of sexual vocabulary render the conversation inadequate.

Given the fraught relationship so many of us have with our own sexuality, it’s no wonder things get complicated when we enter a relationship. Not only are we merging two (or more) sets of sexual attitudes, histories, and preferences, chances are we aren’t discussing them.

“Sex is a loaded subject in our culture,” says relationship and sex therapist Renée Divine, LMFT, CST, CTMH. She believes that many couples expect sex to simply “fall into place” without talking about it.

“People often think they don’t need to discuss sexual compatibility with their partner,” she contends. And when the topic does arise, Divine explains, insecurities, fears we might hurt our partner’s feelings, or simply a lack of sexual vocabulary render the conversation inadequate.

That’s where therapy comes in. 

What Sex Therapy Is — and Isn’t

Like sex itself, a range of stigmas and stereotypes accompany sex therapy.

Let’s start with what it isn’t. Sex therapy is not like physical therapy — there is no physical contact of any kind between client and therapist. Sex therapy is also not a quick-fix tutorial in beneath-the-sheets techniques. It takes time, largely because the causes of sexual dissatisfaction tend to be highly personal and complex.

Which brings us to another thing sex therapy isn’t: couples counseling.

Couples counseling helps partners identify unhealthy patterns, repair rifts, and communicate more effectively. While such work can certainly improve sexual intimacy, couples counselors may not be trained to address sex-specific issues. And this is why sex therapists obtain distinct training and accreditation, and why couples counselors may refer their clients to a trained sex therapist like Divine.

“Couples come to me primarily because they’re experiencing discrepancies in desire and they don’t know how to talk about it,” she says.

Divine helps couples honestly acknowledge those discrepancies, which often means exploring how and why one or both partners are experiencing low sexual desire. Underlying causes may be related to physical issues, such as erectile dysfunction or vulvar pain, or psychological concerns, like performance anxiety or past trauma.

Victims of domestic violence, emotional abuse, and other types of relational trauma can struggle to feel physically and emotionally safe with another person. Past experiences of sexual trauma may be particularly pernicious. (For more on how sex therapists approach sexual trauma, see “Sex After Sexual Trauma” below.)

Unlike couples counselors, sex therapists may work exclusively with individuals rather than with pairs. This is especially common when addressing issues related to physical pain or dysfunction, but it may also be appropriate if an individual wants to change their relationship to sex in a more general sense. This could include individuals with a history of compulsive or out-of-control sexual behavior, or those who find it hard to relax and enjoy sexual experiences no matter their partner.

So How Does Sex Therapy Work Exactly?

Just as they would in traditional psychotherapy, sex therapists start by gathering information about clients’ histories, concerns, and goals. What sorts of personal, social, and environmental experiences have shaped their views toward sex? What does their current sex life entail? What isn’t working? What is? Are they discussing this? If so, how do those discussions play out?

The sex therapist is not only working to understand their clients but to help them better understand each other. “First and foremost, the couple has to listen to and validate each other’s sexual needs,” says Divine.

“First and foremost, the couple has to listen to and validate each other’s sexual needs.”

Validation is not the same as permission, however, and understanding what isn’t on the table is just as important as understanding what is.

Divine often has her clients click through a series of sex-related statements and label each as a want (as in, “I want us to do this”), a will (“I’m open to trying it”), or a won’t (“No, thank you!”). This helps couples identify opportunities to expand their sexual repertoire while still respecting each other’s boundaries.

Crucially, a couple’s sexual repertoire should not be limited to intercourse alone. Physical intimacy exists along a spectrum, and we often need affectionate forms of touch, such as hugging or hand-holding or more playful interactions — think flirting or PDA — as much as or more than intercourse. Helping couples recognize and meet these less obvious needs is a key component of sex therapy.

Because so many individuals struggle to identify and express their sexual needs, sex therapists often assign homework aimed at helping a client tune in to what feels good and letting their partner know it.

Sensate focus therapy is one such approach. Couples engage in a series of progressively sexual touching exercises, focusing entirely on the sensations that accompany their partner’s touch. During the early stages of sensate focus therapy, the couple purposely does not allow touching to lead to sex. This removes performance pressure and enables each partner to focus on the here and now rather than on a preconceived outcome. It’s one tool among many that couples might add to their intimacy toolbox to better help them express their desires.

There are many reasons we feel embarrassed talking about sex, but the truth is, we shouldn’t. With a willingness to listen, communicate, and experiment — and maybe with a little professional guidance — we can all enjoy great sex.

 Sex After Sexual Trauma

Rape, assault, and other sexual violations can leave survivors feeling disconnected from their bodies and unable to feel physically or emotionally safe with their partners. Sex may be more closely associated with hurt, degradation, or shame than with pleasure, which means that knowing what feels good — let alone asking for it — can seem entirely foreign.

For individuals who have experienced sexual trauma, treatments such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) or somatic experiencing — both of which entail reprocessing past traumatic experiences so that they no longer hijack the brain and body — may need to precede sex therapy. Some therapists have a stable of trauma specialists they refer to when clients need additional healing.

The post The Case for Sex Therapy appeared first on Experience Life.